Life has been so hectic as of late. Autumn Semester is turning out to be a real pain in the a**!. My intro to programming class is tough. Visual Logic and Note pad ++ ( which are the two languages that I'm learning) are as simplistic as it can get in computer programming. I have faith in myself and know that I will overcome this obstacle and become proficent in these two computer languages. It's just getting to the finish line that sucks. But hey, nothing good ever comes easy.
My Intermediate Algerbra class is just as difficult, but not as difficult as Intro to Programming. It's the proff who makes it ten times more difficult than it needs to be. First, she makes some of then new concepts harder to understand, when they're really simple. Then, she refuses to give me an extention to take my tests. Which means that I won't get any extra days to take my tests, despite the fact that I'm a disability student. I'm currently looking into that aspect with the Disability dept. because I want to make sure that I am getting what I deserve as a disability student.
Anyways, I am still learning more and more about Buddhisim and how I can apply the teachings to my daily life. However, my parents are still fully intent on become full blown Catholics. What worries me even more is the fact that they want me to take Cataclisim classes with them at the end of the month. I accept their decision, but I'm still not sure whether I want to take that journey with them.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on religion in general. Personally, the whole concept of religion confuses me because there are so many different interpretations of 'God'. I've been trying to simplify the concept of 'religion' in order to gain a better perspective on how I wish to apply religion to my life. I am no Theologian, but the way I see it, most people believe in a higher power in one way or another. Religion is just a way of interpretating the many different shades of 'God'. Basically, what I am trying say is every religion has their own way of explaining 'God' with stories and what not. But when it all boils down to it, 'God' is an unshakeable force who put us and everything else into existance. I think this concious energy left it up to us to make the best of things.
Wow, I feel like a child trying to explain a difficult math problem, lol. For a long time I honestly didn't care about 'God', the bible and what not. Sure, I believed in that higher power and went to church, but my heart wasn't in it. When my sisters started going to the Vineyard I felt embittered by their choice. We have never been close and I felt that their religion was going to seperate us even further. However, one day I realized that my spirtual growth has been stunted because of my lack of caring.
I didn't want to care because I've always felt that life has delt me a shitty hand, but life isn't meant to be a bed of roses. Roses have thorns and it's up to us to pull them out when they get in to deep. ( Yeah, yeah shitty metaphor, lol) So, one day I went outside on a nice sunny day, sat by the pound and just meditaded. I'd never really meditated before, but it felt so natural to me that day. I started to realize that my lack of spirtual growth has been effecting my life in every aspect. It honestly scared me because I knew that if I didn't make an effort to become more at peace with myself, I'd be miserable for the rest of my life!
So, that night I was on EP when I saw a group called " I am a Christan Buddhist." Curious, I clicked on the group link and read the one story that was on there. It was short, but the person in question basically said some things ( Which I can't remember) that struck me. After that I Googled Buddhisim and from there on out, I realized that the teaching of Buddha and those after him, made so much sense to me.
I've always been curious about Buddhisim, but never gave it that much thought. So, after doing some minimal research I knew that I was on the right path. I once said that I percieve Buddhisim to be more of a philosophy than a religion. Well, I still adhere to that sentiment. I've spent so much time looking for the " right" religion to join when what I was really looking for was deeper than which denomination of church to join and what doctorines to believe in. I was unconciously looking to strengthen my spiritual growth and inner peace.
Granted, it won't be an easy road, but I am willing to go on the path and face life's challenges with the peace of mind that I have been searching for. It's strange, I've been so caught up with 'drama' in general. Mostly other people's drama and their opinons of me. If it wasn't my child hood best friend, it was TJ on EP and her immaturity. I admit that even long after we split, I still thought of all of those who have wronged me. I've been trying to understand and rationalize what happened and why they treated me the way they did.
But when it all boils down to it, they don't matter anymore. They were toxic influences in my life that were stunting both my spirtual, mental and emotional growth. My ex child hood best friend tried to add me on Facebook not too long ago. At first I was scared because I didn't know whether to add her or refuse her. Then, all of those insecurities started to flood in and all those memories of her cruelty affected me in a bad way. So, I then realized that this is a person that shouldn't be in my life.
I'm not saying that she's a bad person, but she's NOT the right person for me. I always had a bad habit for letting people's problems become my own and she sure had a way of making one feel bad because she did. Anyways, what I am trying to say, and am failing to be more eloquent, is that you should never let anyone feel less than you are. If you do then it will effect every aspect of you life like it has me.
Well, enough of my rambing,
I feel so conflicted as of late. As I discussed in one of my previous blogs, I’ve decided to become a Christian/Buddhist. Well, one doesn’t just become a Buddhist. In some ways, I think I’ve always been a Buddhist. I know it’s a complete contradiction to say that I am a Buddhist and a Christian, but why not?
From the knowledge that I’ve obtained so far, I see no problem with being Buddhist and a Christian. Yes, Buddhists supposedly don’t believe in God, but the Buddha didn’t necessarily say that there isn’t one. I read an article from 2012 about a man who had come from a strict Southern Baptist background and then he converted to Buddhism when he got older. He even went so far as becoming a Buddhist monk.
Anyways, in a moment of clarity he realized that there were some Christian values that he had grown up with that he still, even as a Buddhist, still believed in those Christian teachings. He sadly didn’t go into much detail, but he then came to the realization that he is in fact a Christian Buddhist. He said that Westerners who choose to convert to Buddhism still adhere to some of their Christian values.
The reason for this is because Christianity is at the very core of the Christian world and it would be hard not to still cling onto their roots. From what I have gained so far, Buddhism is about finding your own answers to life’s most difficult questions. I still believe in a higher power, and for the sake of simplicity, lets call this higher power ‘God’. However there is so much about the array of different religious doctrines that I find hard to believe.
Well, I think for me personally, it’s more of a Creationism vs. Evolution thing. This Creationism ‘fad’ makes in ten times harder for people who have a hard time with their faith. Creationists believe in the literal interpretation of the bible, when in actuality, the Bible in MY opinion should NOT be taken quite so literally. The Buddha said that one should believe everything written in a book, such as the Bible, one should seek out their own answers.
In all honesty, I believe the Bible was meant to inspire Christians. But heck, what do I really know? I am no Theologian, lol. Personally, I feel as if I am on the fringes of my faith. That and my parents are thinking of becoming Catholic, which makes things ten times harder for me. Then there are my sisters, who are “ Born Again “ Christians. I am so afraid of talking about my newfound faith with them because of their recent conversion to Evangelicalism. I just know they wouldn’t understand like my parents do. So, I guess their acceptance makes it a tad bit easier.
Heck, my mom is even willing to educate herself about Buddhism even though she wants to convert to Catholicism, which is a plus for me because at least she is willing to understand. But for her, religion and going to the right church and what not is not what’s key for her. She is more in tune with her spirituality than anyone in my family, which is why when life gets shitty, which it often does, she always seems to know what to say to help put things into perspective.
Anyways, I am done rambling for now.
Just want to wish everyone a happy Labor Day! Thought I'd post this video. It cracked me up :-)
Today was my first math class of the semester. I am optimistic about the class, but I've been wrong before. I just hope I'm not wrong this time around. Anyways, I am going back to the gym after a long hiatus due to the kidney stone, back strain and bad toe. FYI, I had an infected ingrown toenail that I had taken care of at the ER last week, which stopped me from going to the gym.
Anyways, I did something today that was for a good cause. I did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. I did it because it's for a good cause. I got a lot of good feed back, but one dick hole just had to comment about my weight. I will not mention said 'dickhole's' idenity out of respect. Just wish that person would've showed the same respect for me, considering I did the challenge to promote awareness for ALS.
People are just plain mean, but you know what, I will not lower myself to their level by being mad. This person is just ignorant and can't see beyond what they see. Everyone is so hung up on appearences and not what's on the inside. Sure, I am not happy with my weight and want to change that, but it's not because I care what people think. It's because I want to be healthier.
Overall, don't let anyone ever make you feel bad because they can't accept you for who you are as a person. If you do however find yourself in that kind of situation, remember that the person or persons are ignorant.
Well, Gotta Jet
In my previous blog I talked about Robin Williams and Depression. This is a PT 2 of that discussion.
Ever since RW's passing I 've heard and seen an out pouring of emotion from people. All sad because a great and funny man is gone from this world due to suicide. However, there are some a-holes that have basically dissed him, calling a coward for taking his own life. Look, depression is a mental disease. One can't just snap their fingers and be okay. It's a long and tough road to go down.
Before he passed I occasionally heard bad things about RW. People would say that he is washed up, his comedy is no longer funny and what not. Now that he's gone people are like, " Oh he was such a great man!" " A comedy genius!" Okay, so, where was all of that encouragement when he was still alive? Now because of his passing people are all of a sudden paying attention to people with mental illnesses, such as depression.
What, is caring about people with depression a new fad now? It's suddenly ' cool ' to care? This irks me because caring about a person (s) with a mental illness should NOT be some fad. It shouldn't have taken a great man like RW to pass away for people to suddenly take notice.
I've been suffering from acute depression for years because I've always felt that people don't care about me. Also, being bullied didn't help either, especially when some of my bullies were my 'supposed' friends. But I forgive them, but I haven't forgotten. However, all of those 'friends' now have me on their Facebook, but they barely talk to me. I know that it's because they feel guilty about how they treated me in the past.
I sometimes wonder if I were to suddenly kick the bucket, would they care? Would I get the same out pouring of emotion? Not that I'd do anything to harm myself for the sake of their approval, but still, it's something to ponder.
Anyways, I think I've made my point.
I'm sure you've all heard about Robin Williams by now and how he continually suffered from depression throughout his life. I am saddened by the news of his passing and even more sad when I heard that he took his own life. How could a man, who had brought countless joy to people's life be so sad? Well, this just goes to show that we never really know people.
Robin William's tragic and self inflicted demise has forced me to confront my own demons. I to, like billions of others have been suffering from depression in silence for a long time. I'm not coming out with this to draw attention to myself. I coming out because I now realize after hearing about his internal struggle, that I need help.
He turned to booze and drugs to help assauge his loneliness, which is something that I don't want to do. I don't want to get to a point in my life where I feel that suicide is the only option. I don't judge him for taking his own life, but as for me, I refuse to let that happen.
Since his passing hit the media I've been hearing so many people talk about helping others with depression. How we should be that shinning light for those poor souls who are continually fighting the daily battle that is depression. I can't help but be cynical about this.
All my life I've been a social outcast. Even today I still feel that I don't belong, that no matter what I do or say, it's never good enough. There are times in my life when I am depressed because I feel that people don't care about me. That I am just this invisible person that you can barely see at times. I know Facebook isn't exactly the best social outlet, but I would sometimes write something really profound on my FB site, and yet no one comment. No one cared enough to comment!
This is the common theme through out my life. No one cares! Sure I have friends both Facebook and Experience project that I reguarly converse with, which really helps, but sometimes it's not enough. My friends that I had when I was a teenager constantly bullied me, even though they 'claimed' that they cared about me. But I'm not going to get into that right now. For anyone who actually reads my blogs, you would know about my rocky past with friends.
When it really comes down to it, I feel that no one really cares about a person until something so bad happens that you are forced to sit-up and take notice. Sure, now that a person's dead, you can say how great they were and shit. So, where are those kind words of encouragement when the person actually needs it? Does one really have to die to get that kind of aknowledgement? Are we as a society so self involved that we can't take time out of our day to help another person out?
Anyways, I'm done ranting for now. RIP Robin Williams. Make God laugh.
Okay, so life has been rather hectic as of late. I've been practicing the flute a lot because I am thinking about joining a community band or orchestra. However, the flute that I am currently playing on needs an overhaul. Plus, it a really expensive instrument, so I have to be careful in general. I've been doing a lot better health wise, but the antibiotics I was on has irritated my colitis a bit, but not so much that I am sick in bed.
Anyways, I've been thinking about becoming a contemporary buddhist. I found out not to long ago that my boyfriend's been a closet buddhist for years, but he's still a christan. At first I was like, " How can one be both buddhist and christan?" I understand how confusing it is for some people to grasp, but I feel that I can merge my both my christan values and buddhism together to become a better and more enlightened person.
I know now more than ever that no one religion will never appeal to me. I feel that buddhism is more of a philosophy rather than a religon, but that's just me. I am still learning about buddhism, so my perception will change the more I learn. Overall, I know I am on the right path.
Okay, so I am sure every female out there has seen the new 50 Shades trailer. The only good thing about it was the new mix of " Crazy In Love " by Beyonce. Other than that, the whole trailer was so over hyped. I wrote a blog a while ago discussing how much I hate the trilogy. After seeing this trailer I hate it even more. How could any woman, in truth, want a man like Christian Grey? I mean sure, he has money, is smart and is incrediably good looking, but all of that is just on the surface. Underneath he is a sadist who gets off on dominating women. Sure, BDSM may be for some people, but this goes way beyond that.
He threatens her through out most of the book and is so controlling. How can anyone want that for themselves? Women through out the ages have always complained about wanting to be independent and equal with men, but this book just sets us back to submissive sex slaves! Okay, okay, I'm being a tad bit dramatic, but as a feminist you have to understand how damaging and demeaning this is for womens rights.
I understand the allure of giving oneself over to man, especially during sex. We women have to put up with a lot of shit every day. So, why not temporarily give ourselves over to a man and let him have control in the bedroom? It's hot, right?! That doesn't bother me, but at the end of the day I am in control of me.
The character Anna however lets every aspect of her life be controlled by Mr. Grey. Sure she is stubborn and what not, but she still bows down and lets him control her. I sometimes watch shows like Jerry Springer ( If that's even still on air ) and Steve Wilkos. I see scenarios where the woman is complaining about their man being too controlling and abusive, but then they're like, " Oh I love him ". It's foolish! Well, they're probably paid actors, but still, the scenario in itself is troubling.
Why should any woman have to bow down to a mans wishes and take it? We live in a modern age where women have rights almost equal to a man. Personally, I regardless of the BDSM aspects, why should any woman want to read this tripe? Hell, why did E.L James write it in the first place? This peice of shit trilogy should've stayed on ( FF.net)
Anyways, here's the trailer in case you haven't seen it yet. After watching it, please feel free to tell me what you think.
Well, life has been rather hectic for me these past few weeks. I passed a kidney stone, which was followed by a rather wicked U.T.I that had me admitted into the hospital for three days. Those days were pure hell! All I have to say is if you're not good with working with people, especially people, you shouldn't be in the medical proffession.
I also contracted two ear infections because my immune system was so freaking down due to the infections. Reason, because they wouldn't let me take my freaking vitamins and what not, which helps keep my immune system up. They thought it would intefere with the meds, but when I checked with my local pharmasist they said it was okay.
What makes me laugh is the fact that it was the hospital pharmasist that wouldn't let me take them. Claiming that they would intefere with the meds they were giving me. (Hmmm.... me thinks the hospitals pharamsist's been sampling the goods....lol) Anyways, I am doing a lot better after days of ear drops, antibiotics, pain killers and what not.
Went to my primary physican and now I am FINALLY going to see a physical therapist for my back and a dietican to help with my diet. Now that I have insurance I am able to get the medical care that I need. That, and the physical therapist will enable me to get a personal trainer that will go with me the local gym that I am currently not going to because of said illnesses.
Anyways, other than that not much else has been happening. Well, aside from the fact that we are broke. It's been a hard two weeks with little to no money. I hate it! I hate the fact that I can't work right now because I was sick. Now that school's starting back up there is no way in hell that I'll be able to hold down a job with my work load.
Ugh, why does life have to be so fucking frustrating???? I mean, I feel so limited in what I can do right now. I want to do more....be more! Then, to top it off, an old friend said that I should settle down with my boyfriend and have kids, just to be secure. Ugh, why should I have to rely on a man or anyone for that matter to secure my freedom??? Granted, I love my boyfriend and what not, but he and I both know we are not ready for that yet. Why do people have to stick their noses in and shit, ugh, it just pisses me off!
Anyways, I'm done venting for now
Is the link to my new group. " I hate the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy. " If anyone's interested.
Do you have a friend/enemy? I do. I'm apparently not good at keep promises because I have somehow found myself sort of being friends with an ex-friend who has hurt me a lot in the past. I've moved on from the pain that she inflicted, but I can NEVER forget how she made me feel. I don't want to. If I forget then I'll allow someone to hurt me in the same way again and I so don't feel like being that bitch's punching bag again.
Anyways, this particular person IM'd me yesterday, gloating about how she finally graduated from college. Normally I'd be happy for her or anyone because graduating from college is a major achivement. However, she had an ulterior motive. ( SURPRISE, SURPRISE!) This bitch knows very well that I'm still in college and how utterly wounded I was for having to drop my summer classes this year, and yet she had to fucking gloat.
She made sure to point out all of my faults and failings. Like me still living at home, not working, not having a drivers licesense and what not. Yeah, apparently she convienetly forgot that I have a learning disability and can't work while I'm in school. That and the fact that money is tight enough as it is and I can't afford to learn how to drive due to gas prices. Sure the solution is simple, but for me it's not.
Speaking of finding a job, I have given up on getting a summer one. I have applied to virtually every local place in town and haven't gotten one nibble. It's a little disheartening, but whatever. My life isn't always going to be like this and I know I sound like a totally ninny, but I'm just going through a slump right now. And where there's a slump, depression inevitably follows.
Overall, I hate it when people gloat like she does. What are you trying to prove anyways? I mean, it's not like there's some medal waiting for you after you've done strutting around like a ruddy peacock. You'll still be the same person, degree or no degree. Sure as hell wish you were a better one though. That way you'd be humbled by your achievement, not gloating like a snob.
Anyways, WTF do I know anyways. I will probably look back on this post months from now and laugh my pudgy ass off, lol.
Well, that's it for now folks
There's been so much drama in my life as of late. My sisters have been having some financial issues, which almost got them evicted from their apartment, but they pulled through. While I am saddened by their current prediciment, I can't completely sympathize with them. My middle sister is making it hard on everyone because she's being so damn picky about getting a second job. All the while we are giving them $200/ a month to help tide them over. I personally find the situation unfair because my parents need that extra money. My middle sister seems to be totally oblivious of this fact and quite frankly, it's pissing me off.
I have been trying to find a job ever since I decided to drop my summer classes. My middle sister on the other hand has an associates degree and more of a job background than I do, and yet she is being so damn picky because she wants to stay in college when she really can't afford to do so.
Anyways, because of my sisters financial prediciment we were going to sell a pretty valuable flute to help them out. However, when we had it appraised by the manufacture we found out that it's a rare peice and is worth A LOT more than we anticipated. I also realized that I wanted to play again. I haven't had time to play due to my busy scheduele and now that the prospect of selling it has been put on the table, I can't bare to part with it. Granted, the flute is not mine to sell. Heck, none of the ones we had were. They were LOANS, but dad was the one who paid for them so he has the final say when it comes to the future of the flute.
Thankfully my dad has choosen not to sell it. This of course doesn't bode well with my sisters because they want to sell it for the money. What angers me the most is that they don't care what it meant to them or dad. He bought that flute and the others, which were all pretty expensive, because he wanted us to have the best. He cared about our musical careers. That's why he paid for the lessons, the band camps and flute choirs because he cared. Now he feels that they are just throwing that back in his face because they are so desperate for the money.
It's all for a quick fix in my opinion. They will spend that money like water and when it's all gone, they'll be back to where they've started. Maybe even worse! If they had definate future planned where they wouldn't be in debt anymore. Where they had a better job and what not, then I'd consider it, but that is not the case and besides, it's not up to me. I think, and surpsingly enough my father agrees, that my sisters need to change their lifestyle instead of selling everything they own for a quick fix.
Their life isn't working anymore and it would be unfair if we had to start selling our valuables to give them a temporary fix. I regret selling my flute and oboe, but it had to be done because we were going to loose a lot, but the future wasn't blurry like it is for them. We have a stable income comming in while my sisters...don't.
Anyways, I'm done rambling for now
A lot has happened this past week. I never expected in a million years that I'd drop my classes three weeks into the summer semester, but alas, it happened. If I had another option I would've taken it, but the last day to drop was on the 10th before I'd get weight listed, which means that my GPA would be crapped-out, as my dad puts it. There is however a downside to dropping. I have to pay roughky $1,300 in order to sign up for more classes. Thankfully I had the foresight to sign up for classes before they could penalize me. Which would've been bad because I wouldn't have been able to sign up for classes, which basically means I'd not be allowed back into school until I had paid that $1,300 off.
So yeah, I beat the system, but it's a bittersweet victory. I hate dropping out because it makes me feel like a total and complete failure. I am proud to be in college because I've learned so much in such a short amount of time. More than I did when I was in elementary school through highschool. Heck, what I've learned in God knows how many years pales in comparison to what I've learned in a short span of two years in college.
Anyways, the reason why I dropped is because I wasn't able to keep up due to the fact that the normal 15 weeks per semester is shortened to 10 weeks during the summer. Then there is the fact that there is virtually NO tutoring for my programming logic class, which in my opinion is unacceptable. Programming Logic is a new language to me and in order to understand it in its entirety I need tutoring outside of the classroom because I am a disability student. As for math, whoo boy, where should I begin.
I am NO racist in any shape or form. So, to anyone who reads this please don't mistake me for being so. Anyways, my math teacher is Russian, which kind of made it hard to understand the lecture because her accent is so thick. Secondly, the communicatio between us was not good. She never replied to ANY of my emails and basically embarrased me in class when I came in on Monday. I was sick during the previous class and unfortunately, we had a quiz that day as well.
Anyways, I walk into the next class and she is like, in front of the entire class, " Why didn't you take your quiz?" Well duh, I wasn't there! So then she basically goes on telling me that I should've went to the testing center because apparently it had been there since last Wed, despite the fact that the testing center wasn't even open that day. So to make this short, I took the quiz, which was harder than any test I have previously taken in math. When I finally got out of the testing center the lecture was half way over and I. Was. Pissed!
The gist of my deliema is this. I was having a hard time keeping up in both classes and neither teachers were any good. So, logically my own choice was to drop and start fresh. Yes, I have to pay a fee, but it's better than fucking up my GPA that I worked so hard to obtain.
Now I am at a cross roads. I either continue on towards my associates or work on taking classes to transfer over to OSU, so I can go to their college of engineering for my bachelors. However, there's a downside to taking that route. I have to be accepted into the college of engineering, which is conditional, according to the CSCC academic advisor that I went to this week. Overall, I am planning on schedueling an appointment with an OSU advisor to get an idea of what the game plan for them will be before I make any major decisons.
Anyways, my sisters had their baptism on the 7th. I went only to support them as they fully indoctrinated themselves into becoming a " born again " christan. Granted, I respect their choice, but I have NO respect for their so-called "church" at all. When I first walked into their church it was like walking into some sort of corporate theme park that had NO resemblence of a church at all. The baptisim was worse. Yes, it was sort of moving, but it was like watching some whacked out circus.
The people were nice, but I could see beneath veener of their well-played illusion. My sisters church is nothing but a money-making racket. Plus, for one to remain a member of their enterprise you either have to pay a monthly fee or volunteer. What a load of bull! A church should be a place solace and a place where one shouldn't feel forced or obligated to do something because another person says so. Well, that's how I've been raised. But that's just the tip of the ice berg. It gets worse...much worse.
I've been doing research on my sisters church now that I've more free time. I've read blogs, have read numerous comments, have researched the church website and have seen a couple of videos about their church on youtube. More than HALF of the people believe this enterprise has cult-like tendacies, which scares me. My sisters are apart of the Vineyard church now and I can already see the rift starting to form.
The church will demand all of their time and eventually will coax them into giving money that they don't have. Then, when shit gets bad they will come to us crying because they realize that they've been totally disillutioned. Ugh, I hope, and I know this may sound " out there ", but I hope this doesn't turn into another Jim Jones or Wako incident. That would devastate me.
Anyways, I am pretty much done for now
Well, I got through my first week of school, which was hot and stressful. Intro to programing logic is not what I expected. As I read through the material I feel more confident that I will succeed in that class. Math however is debateable. My teacher is tough and to top it off, she's Russian. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact, I find it kind of cool. I know this class will be a challenge and I welcome it with open arms. Lets just hope I make it out on the winning side when the semester ends.
Anyways, money is tight right now because of the my sisters and yesterday I found out that we only had $2 to our name. I admit that I felt guilty because here I am, living at home, scott- free MOST of the time when I could be working while in school. Then I remember my disability and how much harder it would be for me to stay in school and keep my grades up if I had a job. Still, even that aspect didn't stop me from feeling guilty.
Anyways, I realized that I had some things that I could sell to help tide us over, but one of the items used to be my sisters. So, naturally I asked their premission, because that's just good manners. Anyways, to be frank, I got bitched out by my eldest sister about not having a job.
Yeah, to a lot of people I may look lazy or spoiled, but that's NOT the case. To be honest, I'm afraid of getting a job again. Back in 2006 right before graduation I worked at Mcdonalds for a few months that summer. I was so excited because I finally felt like an adult. However, for me, a girl with a learning disability such as mine had a hard time grasping the new responsibilties like using a cash register or working at the drive-thru.
It was all so overwhelming for me and I knew that it would take me longer than most to get the hang of the new job, but aparently that wasn't okay with the manager. She knew of my disability before hiring me and understood that I needed time to get the hang of things, but she didn't care. Anyways, one day when I came in for my shift I had to go to the managers office to talk about transfering work days with another person because my family wanted me to go on vacation.
It was then that I heard the conversation that scarred me for life! She basically said that she was going to cut my hours down until I would quit because I was, what she so amically called " Dead Weight ". She even had the nerve to call me stupid! I should've reported her, heck, I should've told my parents to help me out, but I was too mortified. I didn't want my parents to know that the manager of my first job thought I was a complete idiot.
So, I've kept it a secret up until now. I figure offloading this terrible secret online makes it more impersonal in a way. However, I've been battling with this fear for years and I still do. I figured if I went to college and obtained an associates degree, then I'd be better off. Heck, I'd have more of an educational background than that damn manager.
What she did to me was unforgiveable. With a few words she demeaned me as a person, insulted my intelligence and my very intergrity as a human being. I promised myself after that I would NEVER let that happen to me again. Too bad I didn't truly realize the signifigance of my decsion until long after because I tried to get a job again a year or so later.
I applied for a position at Krogers for the Deli department and got it. I just didn't make it through the training because I got sick with a terrible cold because the training rooms were ice cold and it was in the middle of ruddy summer! Anyways, she too, in her own way called me an idiot. That of course set me back to the point where my confidence in my intelligence was nearly nill.
Now I'm at a point in my life where I honestly don't have time for a job because I'm at a critical juncture in my college career. That and my fears about getting a job still linger and I am thinking about seeking proffessional help to help battle this phobia that has formed.
Overall, I've been considered an idiot all of my life because of my learning disability, but now I know differently. I know what I'm able to accomplish now because of what college has given me so far. Sure, I feel foolish for letting the opinions of others rule my life. Who wouldn't? But alas, we live and learn. Now that I've accomplished one goal I am ready to get the councling I need so I can combat this fear of getting a job.
Anyways, that's pretty much it for now
I've been having a hard time channeling my anger as of late. Our fianical trouble have put a strain on our life and I feel it's all because of my sisters. Granted, I don't go around randomly accusing people of shit to take the blame off myself because that's just distasteful. However, I just recently found out that my parents have been giving my sisters $200 a month to help take the edge off their finanical burdens.
I was at first okay with it because come on, they're family. Enough said, right? Now we're short on money because of that $200. Anyways, something happened last week that spurred my anger almost to the boiling point. My dad and I had to take my sisters car on grocery day. I'd just come back from the gym and needed some hand sanitizer. Stupid me, I forgot mine at home so I figured my sisters would have some in the car.
Anyways, I found some in one of my sisters bag that was laying on the floor. What I found however shocked. A fresh recipt depiciting a recent charge from Sephora. The amount was tremendous! It was then that I realized that my parents had just given them the $200 when the items were purchased. So, logically, that money, which was supposed to be for food was spend on nonsensical items like expensive perfume and lip gloss.
Normally I don't go rooting through people's shit, but this quiet literally fell into my lap! Anyways, anger surged through me like a tidal wave. How fair is it that my sisters can go out and buy $20 lip gloss and $50 perfume spent with OUR MONEY??? After further investigation I soon found out that these type of splurges are considered normal for them. They go to nice resturants on a regular basis when we're stuck going to places like Mcdonalds and what not.
I thank God everday for what I have, but this situation with my sisters is not right. They did not earn that $200 and if they can't afford to shop at places like Sephora and eat at places like Brio, then they shouldn't go there period! The last straw for me is when they critisize me for not having a job and making money to help contribute to the financial household.
My parents understand why I choose not to work. I'm in college and have a learning disability. I need the extra time to get through the course work and what not so I can keep on top. So, working while in school right now is not in the cards for me. So, how fair is it that I get bitched out when they can't even make it own their own? Recently they bitched about me having Adobe Cs6, for school no-less, because it costs money to keep their Creative Cloud plan.
Overall, I'm just sick and tired of their shit. They think the sun shines out of their asses because they're going to be born again christians. To them, I am going to go to hell because I apparently am choosing not to live for God. Live for God? Them? Hah! What a fucking crock! They are such hypocrites. They sit there in their little fortress of a townhome and think that the better than us when they can't even make it own their own with three jobs between them.
I am done ranting for now
I joined Experience Project to make some geniune friends, to share my stories and experiences. I DID NOT join to hook-up with random dudes and pervs. If you see my profile and think, " Hey, maybe this girl is looking for a sexy time?" Well, NEWS FLASH!!! I'm not. So, if hooking up is your intent, then please move on.
That's all I have to say
I feel so bad for one of my friends right now. She's going through a rough time because of a certian inconsiderate ass, who shall not be named, didn't have the decency to pay her the benifit of the doubt and listen to her. Dumping your kids onto to someone doesn't make you mother of the year, especially when the person in question having to watch them couldn't really do so in the first place.
As a result my friend failed her math final. She even went to the head of the math department to take a look at her final and knew that she missed sections that she was to go over when that inconsiderate person basically dumped her kids onto her front door step when she was trying to study. Depsite whether she has to retake the class, justice WILL be served. The inconsiderate person will get what's coming to her in court.
Because she was unable to study that night, she had a hard time with the few problems that probably could've given her a passing grade. And it's all because of this one person's lack of consideration and tolerance for higher education. This person didn't care a smidgen about the fact that my friend was to take her math final the NEXT day! As long as this person got what they wanted, it didn't matter!
I don't use the word " hate " flippantly, but I really do hate the person who caused my friend to fail her final exam. I will cheer with my friend when she takes that peice of trash to court so they can pay their dues. At least then my good friend will get the compensation that she deserves and, it'll go towards the math class that she'll have to retake.
Anyways, other than that I am still having 'lady' problems and will have to be put to sleep for some procedures. Other than that, life is good. I am enjoying my free time and am using it wisely. Got a new cross word and am loving it! I love puzzles. It keeps my mind sharp.
Well, I passed both of my classes. I recieved an " A " in my CS6 ( Adobe) class and a " C+ "in math. Granted, I would've recieved a higher grade if I wasn't given such a shoddy final, but whatever. I passed and that's all that matters.
Anyways, that's pretty much it.
The semester for me is offically over! I took my math final yesterday and guess what, I bombed! The final math final was too hard in my opinion. I felt that the questions were all trick ones. Ones that we rarely went over in class. I studied my ass off! I'm so mad because I feel that all the studying amounted up to naught!
Anyways, regardless I am confident enough to know that I passed. With a C, but I know I'll pass regardless. I worked hard enough through the entire course. I went to class, did my homework and studied for each and every test to the best of my abilities. Sure, I had one or two flubs, but I got through it, and that's all that matters.
Anyways, I feel I have finally resolved myself of the whole EP perv issue. This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. One that I should've reinforced within my self a long time ago. You can't control what other people do, but you can control what you do. Sure, I know it takes all sorts to make a world, but I don't have to recognize some of the more darker aspects of it.
I still however think that talking about 'some' aspects of sex on EP shouldn't be allowed, but that's just me. There are sex forums where you can talk about all of that to your hearts content. Why contaminate a public website like EP????
Anyways, other than that I am going to be spring cleaning this week and sorting through some clothes and what not. I only have a 2 week break, so I'm going to use it wisely.
Well, that's it for now
I've been reflecting these past few days in-between studying for my finals. The recent incident on EP shook me to my core. I felt so humilated when that boy said those things to me. How he could consider that those words were romantic in any shape or form is beyond my ability of comprehension.
For days now I have battled with my feelings about this matter. Apart of me still feels humilated, angry and wants to see that boy get whats coming to him. However, the other more rational side of me sees that I can't control what people do, I can only control what I do.
Society is fucked up these days. America is all about free speech, which I am all for, but there is downside to having too much freedom. Apparently defecating on someone is an acceptable fetish these days. It's normal. How can that be? I understand about BDSM and what, but seriously? You all can so grossed out by watching 'shock' videos like "2 girls 1 Cup?" Yeah, I've seen many reaction videos. People are grossed out, just like was when I saw those videos.
So, how is it okay for someone to say that to me? How is it any different? I got trolled for being digusted by someone merely asking me that, and yet when a group of people takes part and even has the audacity to film it, it's not okay? Seriously, I would like to know where the logic is in this situation?
Overall, I should've been careful before talking to this boy. I usually check a persons profile before talking to them, but I was neglectful, and this is what I get. As much as I hate the situation, I am powerless. I can't control what people do and no matter how many times I report to EP, nothing will be done. The problem is too great. All I can do now is just ignore those people, groups and situations and let God handle the rest.
Previous PostsSpiritual Growth, posted September 13th, 2014
On the fringes of Faith, posted September 1st, 2014
The Ultimate Dog Tease, posted August 31st, 2014
Some people...., posted August 25th, 2014
Depression ( PT2 ) My thoughts on Robin William's Passing, posted August 13th, 2014, 2 comments
Robin Williams, Depression and the darker side of life., posted August 12th, 2014, 1 comment
A life changing decision, posted August 7th, 2014
The Atrocity that is Fifty Shades of Grey ( Trailer Included ), posted August 1st, 2014
Update on Life, posted July 30th, 2014
I hate The Fifty Shades of Grey Group, posted July 24th, 2014
"Friendenemy", posted July 7th, 2014
The flute blues, posted June 26th, 2014
So many doors...which one do I choose?, posted June 14th, 2014, 1 comment
Week 1 of Summer semester and the drama that ensues...., posted May 31st, 2014
A Needed Rant, posted May 21st, 2014
Important Notice, posted May 21st, 2014
Update on Life, posted May 15th, 2014
The Verdict is in!, posted May 12th, 2014
Finally over, posted May 8th, 2014
Only so much you can do......, posted May 3rd, 2014
We shouldn't have to deal with it PT2 of Grossed out, posted April 28th, 2014
Grossed out!, posted April 27th, 2014
Why God, Why?????, posted April 26th, 2014
Through the Cracks, posted April 25th, 2014
I think I am a victim of Plagiarism, posted April 22nd, 2014
And the drama continues...., posted April 15th, 2014
I heart photoshop, posted April 11th, 2014
Bitter disappointments...., posted March 29th, 2014
Swing and a miss..., posted March 23rd, 2014
Jitters, posted March 23rd, 2014
A Different Arena, posted March 15th, 2014
Life...so far..., posted March 8th, 2014
So, yeah, updating on life., posted February 26th, 2014
The Night of Red Hair, lol., posted February 15th, 2014
Bullied by a creationist., posted February 11th, 2014
Bill Nye VS. Ken Ham: Creationism VS. Evolution. What do you believe?, posted February 5th, 2014
Quick Update, posted February 4th, 2014
Ugh, sisters., posted February 3rd, 2014
Turning Point, posted February 2nd, 2014
Apology & Update on my Life, posted January 28th, 2014
Surface Flaws: A Rant., posted January 25th, 2014
Bill Nye on Creationism, posted January 23rd, 2014
Veronica Mars: The Movie, posted January 5th, 2014
Fifty Shades of Sisterly tension, posted January 4th, 2014
Blackfish, the documentary, posted December 27th, 2013
No one's supposed to cry on Christmas, posted December 26th, 2013
ER Education 101, posted December 13th, 2013
Christmas break, yahoo....right?, posted December 6th, 2013
Ready for some real changes, posted November 23rd, 2013
Fifty Shades of Suck!, posted November 15th, 2013, 1 comment
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