agathashelly's Blog

Celeb marriages

Ugh, I'm so sick of the media over hyping celeb marriages and relationships. It's like, get over it already. No one cares! Is anyone else as annoyed as I am about this?


Life, as of late.

Why is it that the things or people we care about the most end up hurting us? Sure, "things" can sometimes be rather materialistic, but when it's something that helps you, why then does it hurt you instead? School has been one of the good things in my life for a long time. Yes college is hard work, especially for a Computer Science major, but I've always relish the challenge and the knowledge that I intake.

Now I am denied that right due to the incompetent staff at Financial Aide. How is that fair? Sure, in some ways this unforseen circumstance is a godsend because I can now focus more on my health issues. However, it's the principle of the thing. For the people who handle the financial side of the equation you'd think that they'd be more duitiful, but alas their incompetence knows no bounds.

They didn't send my letter saying that I had been put on Financial Aide Restriction until the 20th of Decemeber and they closed on the night before Christmas Eve. I had little time to get my paperwork together and was not able to turn it in until the day after New Years Day, which was a Friday. Nevertheless, it takes two weeks for my restriction to go through, so I was unable to recieve book money and would've had to wait until the middle of Febuary to buy them and the supplies needed for this semester.

So, I made the right decision based on my situation, which was to not sign up for classes and instead resume my college career in the summer. Am I happy? You bet your ass I ain't, but what can I do now? I have exhausted every reasource available to me. Now I have four months of sheer bordem ahead of me! I have to find a job or maybe a short class where I can gain a skill to get a better job. I've been looking into dog grooming because their course is only three months long, which is long enough for me to take and get my certifcation so I can get a decent job somewhere to help pay off my Financial aide debt.

Sure, my appeal is going through, but I don't trust those dolts at financial aide. It's like they have monkey's working down there! Anyways, my relationship with my long time boyfriend isn't going to well. I feel as if we are drifting apart, which is understandable. I haven't exactly been thee greatest girlfriend as of late. I have so many emotional issues due to years of constant bullying that I find that it's hard for me to trust people in general. I feel as if I am constantly afraid that the next person's going to hurt me. I wish I could just be apart of the mix instead of looking inside the bowl, as it were.

Anyways, I'm having a hard time with a friend of mine. She's basically the only good 'girl friend' left that I have. She's in love with this man who according to her, doesn't even know she exists. The man she's in love with is engaged to another woman and to top it off, his fiance is pregnant with his child. This was a blow for my friend and lately I've been having a hard time consoleing her. I mean, it would be so much easier if she'd just let this go. There are other fish in the sea, but alas, she's still carrying that torch.

What's worse is that she seems to idolize this man to the point where I am afraid that it is becoming an obsession with her. Thank God she doesn't have an EP account and doesn't know mine because I don't know how she'd react to me blogging about this. Nevertheless, I just had to let this out because I am at my wits end. I've even suggested therapy, but she just waves it off.

She says that he's her soul mate, which is a concept that I am not sure that I believe in, but alas, my friend is determined. She isn't exactly in a position to confront him right now either. I can't go into further details, but all I can say is that this is obviously not going to end well for her. I can only hope that she sees the light and lets this man go.

Anyways, that's pretty much it for now. So much going on, but then again, not enough. I'd rathe be excited for the upcoming semester than wondering how I'm going to fill my days between doctors vists and tests.

Anyways, ttyl.


Sometimes school just plain sucks!

Life is continuing to be a hectic mess. I have another UTI infection, but thankfully I was able to get the right Antibiotics to help purge it from my body. I also may not be able to attend this semester due to the fact that I am now on Academic Restriction and am in the process of getting my appeal looked at.  I'm angry because no matter how hard I worked this past semester, I was still punished for not being good enough.  

How fair is it for a student such as myself to have worked so hard, even when sick and gets punished? I don't want to come off as whiny because I know there are those out there who are worse off than I am, but I'm sick of it! I'm sick and tired of getting short changed because I make one ruddy mistake. I tried my best to rectify it, but they don't give a shit because those in charge have to go by the system set by the school. 

This isn't the first time the school has tried to screw me over, but I had been lucky enough and smart enough to ouwit their screwed up system. Not this time however, this time I fear that I will not win this battle, but I'll be damned if I won't win the war. I've had to deal with ALOT of shit over the years and I'm not about to give up now. 

Anyways, I'm done ranting. It's just been a rough day. 



Well, there's only an hour left before Christmas is offically over. To be honest, I'm glad it is because this year Christmas has been rather exhausting. It would've been better if I weren't so stressed out about finals. Nevertheless, Christmas is about 'family time' and I will admit that I did enjoy the time spent with my family. Of course my sisters, especially my eldest, 'Feather' just had to constatly berate me because I apparently wasn't doing anything right. She even had the audacity to make a snide remark about my make up! I mean, come on! We're adults not children.  

Aside from my eldest sister's chidings, I've had a great Christmas. My mom, dad and I went to a Catholic Mass last night and I admit that I felt Gods presence so strongly there. I felt at peace and was facinated by how different their mass was from the methodist mass. Honestly, I liked it, which is saying something. I wouldn't mind going to a Catholic church on a regular basis because I feel that I am able to be who I am without being judged. I know it's weird to say that because I am STILL a Christian Buddhist, but sometimes you find peace in the last place you'd expect to find it. And for me it was that Catholic church. 

Anyways, I may not be able to go to school this semester. I am now on academic restriction and I am still getting my paperwork together. I have to have my appeal in before the 7th of January or else I won't get my money. I am so nervous because it takes a while for the appeal to go through. What am I going to do? I feel that school is what keeps me grounded and now there is a good chance that I won't be able to do this semester! Ugh, life is SO unfair. Well, if all else fails I will study for some of my IT certificates and take the tests so I can get a better job. That and I seriously need to get my drivers licsence. 

If I can't go to school this semester I will get a job and work on other things, especially working out. I have been rather lax about my exercise and I need to get back on the bandwagon. Anyways, that's pretty much it. 

I hope everyone had a blessed Christmas!



Life and the Holidays

Omg, life has been so hectic as of late. I'm so glad that it's winter break right now because I felt like I was going shit-crazy during the last few weeks of Autumn Semester. Speaking of school, I failed math but I passed my Intro to programming class with a B, so my GPA has now dropped to a 2.4. It's not too bad, but it could be better and it will be!  I just have to keep postive, watch plenty of ASMR vids and get enough sleep. 

Anyways, there has been a lot of tension in the family as of late. My sisters and are I slowly, but surely, finding some common ground. We finally had a big talk which didn't start out about religion, but instead was about our douche bag neighbor upstairs. We went to a nice christian Christmas Concert and during the early morning hours our upstairs neighbor started acting crazy. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, he has a mental problem and was in fact partaking in illegal drugs that night. 

Long story short, I told my parents the next day, which errupted into an argument and that's why my sisters came over to help diffuse the situation. It felt so good to finally voice my opinions about not just the neighbor issue, but also some of our relationship issues. Especially when it pertains to my choice in religion.  I told them of my faith and of course they challenged me on my belief in Buddhisim. ( BTW, sorry for the crappy grammar and mispelling.) 

They basically said that God/Christ has to be the center of my life or I wouldn't be able to survive this world. I understand that they want me to have a healthy influence where faith is concerned, but to be fair, there are PLENTY of people out there who are don't believe in God or are not sure and they are still able to survive. My sisters had survived a long time as atheists and achived a lot, so this just goes to show how indoctrinated they are in their new religion. 

I admit that they are more considerate in some ways, but their intolerance of other religions is just plain sickening. When I asked them about other forms of worship like paganisim for example, they said it's a fake religion. I scoffed because I know there are plenty of pagans out there or Wiccan's, I'm not sure, but they truly believe in their faith just like Buddhists like me. Sure, some Buddhists don't belive in God, but that doesn't mean that we can't. It's all about choice and that's what appeals to me the most. 

I like the fact that I have the option of choice, whereas some forms of Christianity are so strict. It's almost suffocating! My sisters say that the scriptures are true and that we should adhere to what is said in the bible because it's the word of God. That Jesus died for our sins and therefore, we are all born in sin. What really gets me though is that as a Christian, we have to live up to these impossible high standards. Sure, there are some things we most defianately should not do like murder, rape and what not, but what about the ones like lust? 

I feel that there are some things that are just so inherent within us that we can't help but do them. Yes, we should always try to be good and not do them, but in this day and age it's like some of these sins are a natural way of life. I don't know, I am no theologian. I am just a normal flawed person who is naturally curious. I feel that I am at a point in my life where I want to delve deeper into my spirtuality and it's just hard when what you feel is right is hurting others. 

Yes, my sisters were hurt about my choice in Contemporary Buddhisim, which again is a person who is both partly Christian and partly Buddhist. They basically said that I CAN'T mix the two, but you know what, who said I can't? I still believe in God and Jesus, even thought I question some of the events in the bible, I am still a good and sometimes honest Christian woman. 

Anyways, enough of my rambling

Peace Out!


Bilbo now works at a Paper Company after saving middle earth

I thought I'd post this because Martin Freeman is awesome!


This is what happens when you interview

I saw this on Colbert and just had to post this. Freaking Hilarious!!!!

Benedict Cumberbatch & Reese Witherspoon lip locking......OMFG!

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Holiday Blues

Well, finals are offically over! I'm not happy about how my math final went because I didn't feel prepared enough for it. Had I have not gotten sick I know I would have done better in that class. I'll be very surprised if I actually pass, but hey this is the season for miracles, right? Anyways, I feel that I've gotten out of touch with myself as of late. The stresses of life has temporarily made me a tad bit frazzled and I need to get back in touch with myself spirtuality. 

I want to be able to deal with my sisters intolerance better and not get so caught up in the drama like I have been as of late. I have so much anger and grief inside me that I just want to get it out of my system, detoxify as it were. Right now I am feeling depressed because honestly, I miss having friends that I can hang out with. Usually I am okay with not having a lot of friends because I am too busy with school to worry about the lack of social life, but it's during these small breaks that I start to get depressed. 

I know I need to put myself back out there and really make a conservative effort to make new friends, but at my age, how???? A lot of women my age are too busy having families and what not to socialize. It's like being in your 20's and unmarried has suddenly become taboo! Anyways, I am done prattling.

Happy Holidays


Thanksgiving Blues

Life has been so hectic as of late. Finals are next week! I am pretty sure I am going to fail this math class and I am pretty much done with my Intro to Programming course, which is a plus because I can now spend more time working on math.  Thanksgiving was okay, not thee best, but at least we got to spend some time together. 

My middle sister Fendi had a real bad panic attack the night before, so my parents had to go over to my sisters place to watch over her. Fendi has been going through a lot lately. She had some blood work done and the phlebotomist's who administered the test basically freaked Fendi out, telling her that she had all these problems when it turned out that she really didn't have any. Well, aside from anemia, but that's pretty common in women. 

As for our relationship status: It's the same. They still treat me like a child and have NO respect for me at all. They basically refuse to aknowledge my spirtual path, which  isn't surprising, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I know I shouldn't let their negativity get me down, but I can't help it. I guess I am not at a place where I can just let their negative additude roll off my back like water. I always like to say that I am a work in progress, but aren't we all? ;-) 

Anyways, I'm still struggling with my health and because of that, my whole exercise and dieting routine has flown out the window! However, I am NO quiter. I plan on getting back on track after finals. Trying to do it before hand would be stupid because I am just too busy to work out right now. Plus, my sleeping routine is all messed up because my douche bag of a neighbor is back at it again! Apparently he is 'married' , but I've never seen his wife.  

 I did however see him and three other " Ladies of the Night " walk out of his apartment at 3am in the morning. I can't prove it because they could've been anyone, but they sure as hell made a lot of moaning noise and looked like a couple of 'tarts', as my mother would say. Nevertheless, it's not up to me to serve the justice, it's up to better and more qualified persons to doll out the justice that he deserves. All I ask is to be there when it happens so I can take pictures :-) 

Anyways, that's pretty much it



It's a sad, sad day....

It's now apparent, more than ever, that my sisters will NEVER accept my conversion to Buddhism. I know it's their warped ideology is stopping them from embracing my choice. Sure, they don't have to agree with it, but they should at least respect my choice.  I admit that I have made some dergetory comments about their recent ' born again christian ' conversion, but I ultimately accepted their choice. 

We all ultimately decide our own fate. Sure we can pray to whatever version of ' God ' that we believe in, but at the end of the day the choice is ours. Which is why I nor do they have the right to judge, and yet they judge me for my choice.  My ' middle ' sister, let's just call her 'Fendi', said to my face that although she doesn't agree with some of the aspects of Buddhism, she accepts my choice. 

I could live with, I had to. However, Fendi then goes behind my back along with my eldest sister, let's just call her 'Feather', and basically tells our mother that they both think that I am lost and need to find my way back to Jesus. That Buddhism is bad because SOME Buddhists don't believe in God. Fendi lied to me and even had the gual to preach to me about how I would be called to " judgement" one day and yada, yada, yada.... She shook her head, saying, " It's a shame, (A.S)." Like MY choice has such a detremental affect on them!

Fendi even had the gual to say that my choice would break up the family. She basically said in a round about way that I should just follow their example and be a 'good christian' like them. So, their version of being a 'good christian' is to judge other people who believe differently than them? HAH! I'd rather eat shit then adhere to their warped ideology. I at least my freedom of choice while they have given theirs to their church and have bought into their warped ideology. But hey, who am I to judge? I can sit here and ramble on and on, but then I'd be more of a hypocrite than I already sound like. 

Overall, I REFUSE to give in to them. If they let this family break apart then it's on THEM, not me!


P.S: To anyone who reads this, I still DO believe in God because it's MY CHOICE!

My smarts are in the right area

Sometimes there are moments in your life that you'll never be able to forget. No matter how big or small, that moment will NEVER be insignificant to you. Anyways, I ran into an old flame from High School the other day. I didn't recognize him but unfortunately, he recognized me. I don't think about him a lot because quite frankly, he was just a pit stop. A lesson that I had to learn and what I learned from him is that you should never put someone on a pedestal. More often than not, the person who you think you love and admire isn't who he or she really claims to be.

Finding a genuine person is rare in this world. However, I was young, foolish and was not prepared for romantic relationship at the time. That and he was a freshman in College when I was a Freshman in High School. The odds were never in our favor ( Tee he he...Hunger Games pun :) ) Anyways, when HE broke up with me, I was crushed!

I can't exactly remember what he said to me, but there are certain fragments of the conversation that were ingrained into my brain that horrible day. 1) He said that I wasn't intelligent enough for him. Granted, I was young at the time, however, he also said that I would always lack intelligence. 2) He had been sleeping with another girl for quite some time. 3) He admitted that he had good 'girl friend ' tell me that he was cheating on me. The rest, was just crap!

I can live with what he did and the fact that he cheated on me. I can even live with the fact that he didn't even have the balls to tell me first. However, the fact that he insulted my intelligence is something that I, even to this day, can't forgive him for. I admit that I've always been sensitive when it comes to my mental capabilities. I had such a hard time in school growing up and the fact that he demeaned my already low self - esteem was just wrong! He, being the grown- up, should've known better. He should've been more tactful, but alas, he was graceless.

Anyways, when he approached me I barely recognized him because he had gained so much weight. In fact, he's now bigger than me, which is saying something. He looked so unhealthy, old and quite frankly, unhappy as well. So, me being the nice person that I am, decided to let bygones be bygones and chat with him.

I'm so glad that I did because he made me realize that even after all these years, I had still been putting him on a pedestal. Sure, it wasn't the same one, but still, I've always had these ideas in my head about who he was even now and I was wrong. All these years I had been so self- conscious because of what he said and it has taken me a long time to build up enough confidence for me to pursue my dreams. I'm angry with myself to an extent, because I let this prick's past words hold so much weight in my life.

Anyways, as it turns out he's never really done anything with his so-called ' college degree ' and is instead working as a salesman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging him. It's just hilariously ironic that he would choose such a career when he had always boasted about how smart he was, that he was going to be such a big shot and the fact that he had always treated me like an idiot when we were together.

It's like the " Now the shoe is on the other foot " scenario. I just hope I don't end up like him and wind up doing nothing with my college degrees. I say 'degree's ' because I intend on at least going all the way to my masters degree. Overall, I intend to use my smarts in the right area.

In conclusion, when I told him about my career choice, he was stunned! Apparently, he still held on to his preconceived notions about me. Well, I basically showed him pretty quickly that I'm not the idiot that he thought I was. That I hadn't found my niche when we were together. I mean, HELLO I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL! Anyways, this experience has changed me in a good way and has proved to me even more that I shouldn't put so much stock on the opinion of others. Now I just have to learn to practice what I preach :-)


Adios Amigo's



Quick Update: I've been sick for about a month now with a bad Kidney and UTI infection. None of the doctors will attest to this, but I firmly believe that the flu shot made my resistance so low that it brought both infections back. Anyways, I am on the mend and am seeing specialists to ensure that I won't get as many infections. Now that I have insurance I will be able to see the specialists that I need without worrying if I will be able to pay for it or not. 

Anyways, on to the other issue. Last week was hell! I was sick, scared and in pain from the rather horrid Kidney infection that had been wreaking havoc on my body. After going to the E.R for the last time I finally went to my PCP in hopes that I'd get some stronger pain meds to assauge the pain until I could see the specialists. As it turns out, my PCP or should I say, ' former ' PCP doesn't perscribe pain meds. 

I admit that when I went down to their office, I was upset and a tad bit high strung. I mean, who wouldn't be when you're in THAT much pain? I debated with the front desk woman, but not enough for it to be inappropiate. I was only following the E.R doctors instructions when I went to my PCP to get better pain meds. Anyways, I left, feeling a tad bit disgruntled and you know what happend? His office sent me a letter saying that I was no longer a patient of his because I exhibited " Inappropiate Behavior ".

HA! Inapropiate behavior my ass! It's his blatant neglegence that should've been taken to note, but no. He gained the upper hand. However, just because he won this battle, doesn't mean he'll win the war. I am not the first person who's made complaints against him and I won't be the last either. Karma will get him back. All  I have to do is sit back and wait. Even if I'm NOT involved, It. Will. Happen. 


Fickle Friendship

For anyone who has actually read my blogs or stories on EP, you know of my rocky past with friends. In this blog however, I am not writing about myself in particular, but am instead writing about my two older sisters. 

For a long time now my sisters have been friends with this girl named Tracey. ( FYI, Tracey isn't her real name, but for the sake of her privacy, I am using fake names in this blogs.) I've know Tracey since I was a kid and have tolerated her for the sake of my sisters. Nevertheless, I can't control who they are friends with, but it doesn't mean that I have to like them.  I have never liked her because I've always felt that she has replaced me in my sisters lives. What I mean to say is, I feel that my sisters hold her in higher regard than they do for me. 

As I've written in my other blogs, my sisters and I don't get along. It's gotten worse as we've gotten older and Tracey sure as hell has taken advantage of the fact. In fact, she has spoken out against me during numerous occassions, thus poisioning my two sisters against me. I know why though, because she resents me. I've always been able to see right through her crap and she knows it too.

What irks me is that she has played on both of my sisters short comings to suit her fancy. Tracey and her husband have both insulted our parents about personal matters on numerous occasions and she is sometimes blantantly rude to everyone, especially my mum. I like to believe that she has changed since she had a kid, but due to recent events, I can't. I have tried to look past my dislikes of her for my sisters, but I can't and I WON'T!

She has taken too many years of my sisters affections away from me. However, there is a silver lining. My sisters are both fed up with her because she can't get her shit together. Tracey is leaning more and more on my sisters and they are both stressed out enough as it is. I'm hoping my sisters do the sensible thing and just drop her. Sadly, it's not up to me, but whoo boy, do I wish it was. 

The way I see it, if you are friends with someone who constantly belittles and treats you like crap, DROP THEM! You don't need people like that in your life to make you feel like crap because they do. I had to do the same with my two EX best friends Mary and Sue ( Both names of course are fake :-) )  They both treated me like crap and only used me when they wanted something, but of course , I was called a pain when I needed them.  That and they regarded me as a charity case because they both knew that I have bit of social anxiety. 

Whether it's a friendship or a romantic one, why is it that people stay with those who treat them like door mats?! I know it's hard to let go because your afraid of being alone, but is it worth feeling like crap because that person is making you believe that you are not good enough? It's on them, not you!

Overall, I really hope my sisters drop Tracey and find new friends that are worth it. Tracey in my opinion has served her purpose in their lives, but again, that is their decision to make. All I can do is wait on the side lines and watch the game unfold. 

Anyways, that's all for now



My computer's an Alien ( Tee he he...)

Hello All, 

So, life has been rather hetic lately. Both my classes are really keeping me busy, which is good because my mind grows rather stagnant when I'm bored. I just wish I could be better at programming, but its so hard to learn. Plus, Visual Logic sucks! It's thee worst program going. I just bought my new, but slightly refurbished Alienware 14, which is a pretty hefty computer and  I even have problems with Visual Logic on it. 

I know it's not my comptuer because it's basically new and everything's up to date. I love my Alienware btw, it's so fast! I thought my Mac Book Pro was fast, but hot damn, Alienware is like a race horse! I have windows 8.1, i7 processor and a pretty hefty Graphics Card. I can't remember which one though, lol. 

Anyways, not much else going on. Am finally seeing a physical therapist for my back. Had another UTI recently ( Surprise, surprise!) Other than that though, life is good.

Well, adios EP bloggers :-) 



 So I was browsing on yahoo and I came upon this article about a mother rewritting Harry Potter on Fanfiction to enable her and other children to read an " child-friendly" Harry Potter by pushing her obvious creationist views on other people and taking the witch craft element out of the book. What a load of bull! I read the first chapter and it was worse than reading Fifty Shades. 

Where does this woman get off trying rewritting Harry Potter because she has a problem with the fact that the world of Harry Potter is based on witchcraft. HELLO! Wake up woman, it's a fantasy novel! FICTION! What's even worse is that there are so many people on FF thanking her for her so-called " contribution ". I hope J.K Rowling makes a statement because this user, 'proudhousewife' deserves a good tongue lashing. 

I have no problem with this womans religious views, but to ruin a perfectly good book series is Just. Plain. Wrong. It's right up there with Kirk Cameron trying to debate with Stephen Hawking. Now that was priceless!

Anyways, I'm done ranting. Here is the link if anyone is interested in reading this FF atrocity.



Something happened this week that was quite disturbing. One of my profs students from another class was being bullied by one of his/ her classmates because he/she is Muslim. So, the said bullied student had to switch classes and the bully in question was apparently expelled. I know tensions are high because of this whole ISIS thing, but to diss some innocent person because he/she just so happens to be Muslim is WRONG! 

This is America for peet's sake! Remember freedom of religion? Anyways, this incident has been in my mind for a while now because of this past weekend's incident with my two sisters. It's more apparent than ever that my sisters may not ever accept my recent conversion to Buddhisim. Well, as you all would know, I am NOT completely disregarding my Christian values. Nevertheless, ever since they both became " Born Again Christians ",  I've seen their once tolerant disposition turn into an intolerant one. 

I don't judge them for their religious choice or anyones for that matter. So, I wonder how my two sisters are going to function in such a multicutural society with their new " Born Again Christian " additude? What I mean is, how are they going to be able to function with their intolerance in a multicutural world? What scares me is that they are both going to become teachers someday. That being said, if they teach in a public school system they are bound to meet other people who have different religious views and backgrounds.

I worry because they may treat certain people differently, maybe unconciously because of their different religious views. Maybe my worries are all for naught, but still, it's something to ponder. Their additude towards me ever since I decided to practice Buddhisim is rather troublesome.  The way they both smirked at each other, laughing and smiling last weekend because they thought that they are right and every one else is wrong, still makes me sick to my stomach.

For anyone who reads my blogs and maybe thinks, " Man, she's sure talking a lot shit about her sisters." Well, if you were in my position you'd probably come to the same conclusions. If not, then whatever. All I know is that their sudden religious intolerance is putting more of a strain on the family. 

Overall, I don't know how they can call themselves 'Good Christians' when they act the way they do. What's even worse is that I don't think that my sisters even realize that how they are behaving sometimes is wrong and intolerant. I've tried to point it out, but they don't listen.

They won't because I am their little sister, still living at home and am currently not working. It doesn't matter if I am in college working my ass off or that I have a learning disability that makes it harder for me to absorb the course material. Which means that I have to spend more time than others on said material. According to them, my opinions don't matter. I am a 2nd class citizen, The Black Sheep. 

Well, you know what? FUCK THEM! Yes, Fuck them and their biggotry. If they can't get their head out of their asses long enough to smell the roses then that's their problem. I am done trying to make them understand.

Well, I'm done rambling for now

Ta, Ta



Religious Stigma

My sisters came over yesterday to catch up on Outlander, which is totally awesome show btw :-) Anyways, I had planned to take the entire weekend to work on an assignment for my Intro to Computer Programming Class. Suffice to say, I suck at programming at the moment. Anyways, I was on my computer trying to get a handle on a certain portion of my assignment, and off and on, I'd ask my dad questions because he is helping me. My sisters of course got irritated because I was talking during the program, even though they were too, but of course, it's OKAY for them to talk. ( Sarcasam Noted)

Anyways, it was then decided by dad that he and I move to another room so not to disturb them, which I was okay with. But whoo boy did my sisters have a problem with that.  Apparently, we have to drop everything when THEY decide that its family time. They didn't care that I had an assigment and that it was late at night. Dad didn't have an issue with it since we had already seen the episode they were watching, but no. They had to put their two cents in and make an issue out of it. 

This included their " Born Again Christian " crap. I was irritated, not because of them, but because I was having such a hard time getting my program to run the way that I wanted it to. That and I'm still having a hard time grasping how to program in general.  My sisters, especially my eldest, even had the gale to make fun of my distress. The smirks shared between them two set me off. Even though I was desperately trying to keep a cool head because I didn't want to stoop to their level. But alas, I guess I am not as emotionally evolved enough yet. 

I replied rather caustically, " Heh, Christian my ass!" This of course upset them immensely, especially my middle sister. She was like " Oh, how dare you say that I am NOT a christan." I replied in kind, " What kind of Christian treats their own sister like how you just treated me?" Granted I shouldn't have said what I said, but my response did hold some validity. What kind of Christian treats their own blood like how they treated me? I was distressed and tired. Upset because I'm having such a hard time grasping this class.

I know apart of their issue is because of my recent uptaking of Buddhisim. Nevertheless, regardless of how they feel they should respect my choice in how I choose to find my spirtual nourishment. I may not agree with some of their ideas about Christianity, God and what not, but I at least have the DECENCY to keep my opinons to myself. Yes, one of my sisters did make an underhand quip about buddhisim. Just to wound me. 

Regardless of how they are, this won't deter me. Not everyone behaves like them and there are plently of people who would understand my spirtual views. They are just ignorant and bull-headed. I will reaffirm what I have said on a few occasions. To me, Buddhisim is more of a philosophy instead of a religion. 

I feel that there is just too much stigma on religion in general. It's so bad these days that most people loose sight of the message that ' God ' has taught us. Well, the message according to their chosen religion. We are all so caught up in the drama that we've lost sight of our personal spirituality. There are a chosen few who remain steadfast, but most of us are just too blinded by our own prejudices to see the truth. I am not going to sit here and say that I am not one of them, because I am. However, I don't want to be that way anymore, but damn, it's hard not to when you have two people that treat you as if your some joke. A problem that needs to be fixed!

Anyways, I am done rambling for now.



The Lost Jewel

This week has been rather shitty, if I do say so myself. I took my first Intermediate Algerbra test today and probably bombed. I was just so hard! I mean, I studied my ass off, and yet I still had trouble. ( Ugh, so unfair) but hey, that's life :-)

Anyways, something else happened this week that has upset me. I either lost my promise ring or it was stolen. My boyfriend gave me his grandmothers engagement ring that she had during the great depression. It's a beautiful sapphire stone with a few diamonds and the band is gold. I will include picture to emphasize my point. Anyways, I looked online for rings matching my description to see if I could replace it with a duplicate. Well, the chances of that ever happening is pretty slim.

My ring is worth $2,000! I wish I would've had the thing insured. That way I could've replaced it with an exact duplicate. However, it's not just how much it's worth and what not, it's what it represents. I have been with the same man for a long time and even though we may have just good friends with benefit relationship right now, there is something deeper still that keeps us together no matter what. 

I want my ring back because it will always be like having a peice of him with me. He has been such a big part of my life. He is my first in everything. I gave myself to him, which was something that I didn't do at the drop of the hat. He's made me feel like a desireable woman. He doesn't judge me about my social quirks or my weight. He just sees me! I feel the same way about him in every respect. Even if we do ever spilt, he will still have a place in my heart that no one can fill. 

Now that my ring is gone...I, well, I feel...gosh, I just don't know how to feel. Anyways, the reason why I said it may have been stolen is because my middle sister has claimed in the past that my ring was hers. I don't know why, I mean, it could be because she is jealous of the fact that I've actually had a relationship with a man and not merely dreamt of having one like she has. I know I sound like a total bitch, but this isn't the first time I have suspected her of stealing. She was notorious for that in the past when we were kids.

I'd sometimes have to take something of hers for randsom, just so I could get my stuff back. Drastic, I know, but it was the only thing that worked. I don't want to believe that she did it, but I can't help it. The thought is there and no matter how much I try to fight it, the possibilty exists. 

Overall, I just want my ring back! But you already know that, lol. If it never turns up, well, I'll just have to live with it. However, I am going to try my damndest to get it back. Even if I have to sneak into my sisters place and go through their things. I. Will. Get. It. Back!



Spiritual Growth

Life has been so hectic as of late. Autumn Semester is turning out to be a real pain in the a**!. My intro to programming class is tough. Visual Logic and Note pad ++ ( which are the two languages that I'm learning) are as simplistic as it can get in computer programming. I have faith in myself and know that I will overcome this obstacle and become proficent in these two computer languages. It's just getting to the finish line that sucks. But hey, nothing good ever comes easy. 

My Intermediate Algerbra class is just as difficult, but not as difficult as Intro to Programming. It's the proff who makes it ten times more difficult than it needs to be. First, she makes some of then new concepts harder to understand, when they're really simple. Then, she refuses to give me an extention to take my tests. Which means that I won't get any extra days to take my tests, despite the fact that I'm a disability student. I'm currently looking into that aspect with the Disability dept. because I want to make sure that I am getting what I deserve as a disability student. 

Anyways, I am still learning more and more about Buddhisim and how I can apply the teachings to my daily life. However, my parents are still fully intent on become full blown Catholics. What worries me even more is the fact that they want me to take Cataclisim classes with them at the end of the month. I accept their decision, but I'm still not sure whether I want to take that journey with them. 

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on religion in general. Personally, the whole concept of religion confuses me because there are so many different interpretations of 'God'. I've been trying to simplify the concept of 'religion' in order to gain a better perspective on how I wish to apply religion to my life.  I am no Theologian, but the way I see it, most people believe in a higher power in one way or another. Religion is just a way of interpretating the many different shades of 'God'. Basically, what I am trying say is every religion has their own way of explaining 'God' with stories and what not. But when it all boils down to it, 'God' is an unshakeable force who put us and everything else into existance. I think this concious energy left it up to us to make the best of things. 

Wow, I feel like a child trying to explain a difficult math problem, lol. For a long time I honestly didn't care about 'God', the bible and what not. Sure, I believed in that higher power and went to church, but my heart wasn't in it. When my sisters started going to the Vineyard I felt embittered by their choice. We have never been close and I felt that their religion was going to seperate us even further. However, one day I realized that my spirtual growth has been stunted because of my lack of caring.

I didn't want to care because I've always felt that life has delt me a shitty hand, but life isn't meant to be a bed of roses. Roses have thorns and it's up to us to pull them out  when they get in to deep. ( Yeah, yeah shitty metaphor, lol) So, one day I went outside on a nice sunny day, sat by the pound and just meditaded. I'd never really meditated before, but it felt so natural to me that day. I started to realize that my lack of spirtual growth has been effecting my life in every aspect. It honestly scared me because I knew that if I didn't make an effort to become more at peace with myself, I'd be miserable for the rest of my life!

So, that night I was on EP when I saw a group called " I am a Christan Buddhist." Curious, I clicked on the group link and read the one story that was on there. It was short, but the person in question basically said some things ( Which I can't remember) that struck me. After that I Googled Buddhisim and from there on out, I realized that the teaching of Buddha and those after him, made so much sense to me. 

I've always been curious about Buddhisim, but never gave it that much thought. So, after doing some minimal research I knew that I was on the right path. I once said that I percieve Buddhisim to be more of a philosophy than a religion. Well, I still adhere to that sentiment. I've spent so much time looking for the " right" religion to join when what I was really looking for was deeper than which denomination of church to join and what doctorines to believe in. I was unconciously looking to strengthen my spiritual growth and inner peace. 

Granted, it won't be an easy road, but I am willing to go on the path and face life's challenges with the peace of mind that I have been searching for.  It's strange, I've been so caught up with 'drama' in general. Mostly other people's drama and their opinons of me. If it wasn't my child hood best friend, it was TJ on EP and her immaturity.  I admit that even long after we split, I still thought of all of those who have wronged me. I've been trying to understand and rationalize what happened and why they treated me the way they did. 

But when it all boils down to it, they don't matter anymore. They were toxic influences in my life that were stunting both my spirtual, mental and emotional growth. My ex child hood best friend tried to add me on Facebook not too long ago. At first I was scared because I didn't know whether to add her or refuse her. Then, all of those insecurities started to flood in and all those memories of her cruelty affected me in a bad way. So, I then realized that this is a person that shouldn't be in my life. 

I'm not saying that she's a bad person, but she's NOT the right person for me. I always had a bad habit for letting people's problems become my own and she sure had a way of making one feel bad because she did. Anyways, what I am trying to say, and am failing to be more eloquent, is that you should never let anyone feel less than you are. If you do then it will effect every aspect of you life like it has me. 

Well, enough of my rambing,




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Previous Posts
Celeb marriages, posted January 16th, 2015
Life, as of late., posted January 10th, 2015
Sometimes school just plain sucks!, posted January 4th, 2015
Christmas, posted December 25th, 2014
Life and the Holidays, posted December 18th, 2014
Bilbo now works at a Paper Company after saving middle earth, posted December 18th, 2014
This is what happens when you interview, posted December 12th, 2014
Benedict Cumberbatch & Reese Witherspoon lip locking......OMFG!, posted December 11th, 2014
Holiday Blues, posted December 9th, 2014
Thanksgiving Blues, posted December 3rd, 2014
It's a sad, sad day...., posted November 14th, 2014
My smarts are in the right area, posted November 9th, 2014
Incompetence, posted October 31st, 2014
Fickle Friendship, posted October 19th, 2014
My computer's an Alien ( Tee he he...), posted October 14th, 2014
, posted September 26th, 2014
Intolerance, posted September 25th, 2014
Religious Stigma, posted September 22nd, 2014
The Lost Jewel, posted September 20th, 2014
Spiritual Growth, posted September 13th, 2014
On the fringes of Faith, posted September 1st, 2014
The Ultimate Dog Tease, posted August 31st, 2014
Some people...., posted August 25th, 2014
Depression ( PT2 ) My thoughts on Robin William's Passing, posted August 13th, 2014, 2 comments
Robin Williams, Depression and the darker side of life., posted August 12th, 2014, 1 comment
A life changing decision, posted August 7th, 2014
The Atrocity that is Fifty Shades of Grey ( Trailer Included ), posted August 1st, 2014
Update on Life, posted July 30th, 2014
I hate The Fifty Shades of Grey Group, posted July 24th, 2014
"Friendenemy", posted July 7th, 2014
The flute blues, posted June 26th, 2014
So many doors...which one do I choose?, posted June 14th, 2014, 1 comment
Week 1 of Summer semester and the drama that ensues...., posted May 31st, 2014
A Needed Rant, posted May 21st, 2014
Important Notice, posted May 21st, 2014
Update on Life, posted May 15th, 2014
The Verdict is in!, posted May 12th, 2014
Finally over, posted May 8th, 2014
Only so much you can do......, posted May 3rd, 2014
We shouldn't have to deal with it PT2 of Grossed out, posted April 28th, 2014
Grossed out!, posted April 27th, 2014
Why God, Why?????, posted April 26th, 2014
Through the Cracks, posted April 25th, 2014
I think I am a victim of Plagiarism, posted April 22nd, 2014
And the drama continues...., posted April 15th, 2014
I heart photoshop, posted April 11th, 2014
Bitter disappointments...., posted March 29th, 2014
Swing and a miss..., posted March 23rd, 2014
Jitters, posted March 23rd, 2014
A Different Arena, posted March 15th, 2014
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