It's now apparent, more than ever, that my sisters will NEVER accept my conversion to Buddhism. I know it's their warped ideology is stopping them from embracing my choice. Sure, they don't have to agree with it, but they should at least respect my choice. I admit that I have made some dergetory comments about their recent ' born again christian ' conversion, but I ultimately accepted their choice.
We all ultimately decide our own fate. Sure we can pray to whatever version of ' God ' that we believe in, but at the end of the day the choice is ours. Which is why I nor do they have the right to judge, and yet they judge me for my choice. My ' middle ' sister, let's just call her 'Fendi', said to my face that although she doesn't agree with some of the aspects of Buddhism, she accepts my choice.
I could live with, I had to. However, Fendi then goes behind my back along with my eldest sister, let's just call her 'Feather', and basically tells our mother that they both think that I am lost and need to find my way back to Jesus. That Buddhism is bad because SOME Buddhists don't believe in God. Fendi lied to me and even had the gual to preach to me about how I would be called to " judgement" one day and yada, yada, yada.... She shook her head, saying, " It's a shame, (A.S)." Like MY choice has such a detremental affect on them!
Fendi even had the gual to say that my choice would break up the family. She basically said in a round about way that I should just follow their example and be a 'good christian' like them. So, their version of being a 'good christian' is to judge other people who believe differently than them? HAH! I'd rather eat shit then adhere to their warped ideology. I at least my freedom of choice while they have given theirs to their church and have bought into their warped ideology. But hey, who am I to judge? I can sit here and ramble on and on, but then I'd be more of a hypocrite than I already sound like.
Overall, I REFUSE to give in to them. If they let this family break apart then it's on THEM, not me!
P.S: To anyone who reads this, I still DO believe in God because it's MY CHOICE!
Sometimes there are moments in your life that you'll never be able to forget. No matter how big or small, that moment will NEVER be insignificant to you. Anyways, I ran into an old flame from High School the other day. I didn't recognize him but unfortunately, he recognized me. I don't think about him a lot because quite frankly, he was just a pit stop. A lesson that I had to learn and what I learned from him is that you should never put someone on a pedestal. More often than not, the person who you think you love and admire isn't who he or she really claims to be.
Finding a genuine person is rare in this world. However, I was young, foolish and was not prepared for romantic relationship at the time. That and he was a freshman in College when I was a Freshman in High School. The odds were never in our favor ( Tee he he...Hunger Games pun :) ) Anyways, when HE broke up with me, I was crushed!
I can't exactly remember what he said to me, but there are certain fragments of the conversation that were ingrained into my brain that horrible day. 1) He said that I wasn't intelligent enough for him. Granted, I was young at the time, however, he also said that I would always lack intelligence. 2) He had been sleeping with another girl for quite some time. 3) He admitted that he had good 'girl friend ' tell me that he was cheating on me. The rest, was just crap!
I can live with what he did and the fact that he cheated on me. I can even live with the fact that he didn't even have the balls to tell me first. However, the fact that he insulted my intelligence is something that I, even to this day, can't forgive him for. I admit that I've always been sensitive when it comes to my mental capabilities. I had such a hard time in school growing up and the fact that he demeaned my already low self - esteem was just wrong! He, being the grown- up, should've known better. He should've been more tactful, but alas, he was graceless.
Anyways, when he approached me I barely recognized him because he had gained so much weight. In fact, he's now bigger than me, which is saying something. He looked so unhealthy, old and quite frankly, unhappy as well. So, me being the nice person that I am, decided to let bygones be bygones and chat with him.
I'm so glad that I did because he made me realize that even after all these years, I had still been putting him on a pedestal. Sure, it wasn't the same one, but still, I've always had these ideas in my head about who he was even now and I was wrong. All these years I had been so self- conscious because of what he said and it has taken me a long time to build up enough confidence for me to pursue my dreams. I'm angry with myself to an extent, because I let this prick's past words hold so much weight in my life.
Anyways, as it turns out he's never really done anything with his so-called ' college degree ' and is instead working as a salesman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging him. It's just hilariously ironic that he would choose such a career when he had always boasted about how smart he was, that he was going to be such a big shot and the fact that he had always treated me like an idiot when we were together.
It's like the " Now the shoe is on the other foot " scenario. I just hope I don't end up like him and wind up doing nothing with my college degrees. I say 'degree's ' because I intend on at least going all the way to my masters degree. Overall, I intend to use my smarts in the right area.
In conclusion, when I told him about my career choice, he was stunned! Apparently, he still held on to his preconceived notions about me. Well, I basically showed him pretty quickly that I'm not the idiot that he thought I was. That I hadn't found my niche when we were together. I mean, HELLO I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL! Anyways, this experience has changed me in a good way and has proved to me even more that I shouldn't put so much stock on the opinion of others. Now I just have to learn to practice what I preach :-)
Quick Update: I've been sick for about a month now with a bad Kidney and UTI infection. None of the doctors will attest to this, but I firmly believe that the flu shot made my resistance so low that it brought both infections back. Anyways, I am on the mend and am seeing specialists to ensure that I won't get as many infections. Now that I have insurance I will be able to see the specialists that I need without worrying if I will be able to pay for it or not.
Anyways, on to the other issue. Last week was hell! I was sick, scared and in pain from the rather horrid Kidney infection that had been wreaking havoc on my body. After going to the E.R for the last time I finally went to my PCP in hopes that I'd get some stronger pain meds to assauge the pain until I could see the specialists. As it turns out, my PCP or should I say, ' former ' PCP doesn't perscribe pain meds.
I admit that when I went down to their office, I was upset and a tad bit high strung. I mean, who wouldn't be when you're in THAT much pain? I debated with the front desk woman, but not enough for it to be inappropiate. I was only following the E.R doctors instructions when I went to my PCP to get better pain meds. Anyways, I left, feeling a tad bit disgruntled and you know what happend? His office sent me a letter saying that I was no longer a patient of his because I exhibited " Inappropiate Behavior ".
HA! Inapropiate behavior my ass! It's his blatant neglegence that should've been taken to note, but no. He gained the upper hand. However, just because he won this battle, doesn't mean he'll win the war. I am not the first person who's made complaints against him and I won't be the last either. Karma will get him back. All I have to do is sit back and wait. Even if I'm NOT involved, It. Will. Happen.
For anyone who has actually read my blogs or stories on EP, you know of my rocky past with friends. In this blog however, I am not writing about myself in particular, but am instead writing about my two older sisters.
For a long time now my sisters have been friends with this girl named Tracey. ( FYI, Tracey isn't her real name, but for the sake of her privacy, I am using fake names in this blogs.) I've know Tracey since I was a kid and have tolerated her for the sake of my sisters. Nevertheless, I can't control who they are friends with, but it doesn't mean that I have to like them. I have never liked her because I've always felt that she has replaced me in my sisters lives. What I mean to say is, I feel that my sisters hold her in higher regard than they do for me.
As I've written in my other blogs, my sisters and I don't get along. It's gotten worse as we've gotten older and Tracey sure as hell has taken advantage of the fact. In fact, she has spoken out against me during numerous occassions, thus poisioning my two sisters against me. I know why though, because she resents me. I've always been able to see right through her crap and she knows it too.
What irks me is that she has played on both of my sisters short comings to suit her fancy. Tracey and her husband have both insulted our parents about personal matters on numerous occasions and she is sometimes blantantly rude to everyone, especially my mum. I like to believe that she has changed since she had a kid, but due to recent events, I can't. I have tried to look past my dislikes of her for my sisters, but I can't and I WON'T!
She has taken too many years of my sisters affections away from me. However, there is a silver lining. My sisters are both fed up with her because she can't get her shit together. Tracey is leaning more and more on my sisters and they are both stressed out enough as it is. I'm hoping my sisters do the sensible thing and just drop her. Sadly, it's not up to me, but whoo boy, do I wish it was.
The way I see it, if you are friends with someone who constantly belittles and treats you like crap, DROP THEM! You don't need people like that in your life to make you feel like crap because they do. I had to do the same with my two EX best friends Mary and Sue ( Both names of course are fake :-) ) They both treated me like crap and only used me when they wanted something, but of course , I was called a pain when I needed them. That and they regarded me as a charity case because they both knew that I have bit of social anxiety.
Whether it's a friendship or a romantic one, why is it that people stay with those who treat them like door mats?! I know it's hard to let go because your afraid of being alone, but is it worth feeling like crap because that person is making you believe that you are not good enough? It's on them, not you!
Overall, I really hope my sisters drop Tracey and find new friends that are worth it. Tracey in my opinion has served her purpose in their lives, but again, that is their decision to make. All I can do is wait on the side lines and watch the game unfold.
Anyways, that's all for now
So, life has been rather hetic lately. Both my classes are really keeping me busy, which is good because my mind grows rather stagnant when I'm bored. I just wish I could be better at programming, but its so hard to learn. Plus, Visual Logic sucks! It's thee worst program going. I just bought my new, but slightly refurbished Alienware 14, which is a pretty hefty computer and I even have problems with Visual Logic on it.
I know it's not my comptuer because it's basically new and everything's up to date. I love my Alienware btw, it's so fast! I thought my Mac Book Pro was fast, but hot damn, Alienware is like a race horse! I have windows 8.1, i7 processor and a pretty hefty Graphics Card. I can't remember which one though, lol.
Anyways, not much else going on. Am finally seeing a physical therapist for my back. Had another UTI recently ( Surprise, surprise!) Other than that though, life is good.
Well, adios EP bloggers :-)
So I was browsing on yahoo and I came upon this article about a mother rewritting Harry Potter on Fanfiction to enable her and other children to read an " child-friendly" Harry Potter by pushing her obvious creationist views on other people and taking the witch craft element out of the book. What a load of bull! I read the first chapter and it was worse than reading Fifty Shades.
Where does this woman get off trying rewritting Harry Potter because she has a problem with the fact that the world of Harry Potter is ba
I have no problem with this womans religious views, but to ruin a perfectly good book series is Just. Plain. Wrong. It's right up there with Kirk Cameron trying to debate with Stephen Hawking. Now that was priceless!
Anyways, I'm done ranting. Here is the link if anyone is interested in reading this FF atrocity.
Something happened this week that was quite disturbing. One of my profs students from another class was being bullied by one of his/ her classmates because he/she is Muslim. So, the said bullied student had to switch classes and the bully in question was apparently expelled. I know tensions are high because of this whole ISIS thing, but to diss some innocent person because he/she just so happens to be Muslim is WRONG!
This is America for peet's sake! Remember freedom of religion? Anyways, this incident has been in my mind for a while now because of this past weekend's incident with my two sisters. It's more apparent than ever that my sisters may not ever accept my recent conversion to Buddhisim. Well, as you all would know, I am NOT completely disregarding my Christian values. Nevertheless, ever since they both became " Born Again Christians ", I've seen their once tolerant disposition turn into an intolerant one.
I don't judge them for their religious choice or anyones for that matter. So, I wonder how my two sisters are going to function in such a multicutural society with their new " Born Again Christian " additude? What I mean is, how are they going to be able to function with their intolerance in a multicutural world? What scares me is that they are both going to become teachers someday. That being said, if they teach in a public school system they are bound to meet other people who have different religious views and backgrounds.
I worry because they may treat certain people differently, maybe unconciously because of their different religious views. Maybe my worries are all for naught, but still, it's something to ponder. Their additude towards me ever since I decided to practice Buddhisim is rather troublesome. The way they both smirked at each other, laughing and smiling last weekend because they thought that they are right and every one else is wrong, still makes me sick to my stomach.
For anyone who reads my blogs and maybe thinks, " Man, she's sure talking a lot shit about her sisters." Well, if you were in my position you'd probably come to the same conclusions. If not, then whatever. All I know is that their sudden religious intolerance is putting more of a strain on the family.
Overall, I don't know how they can call themselves 'Good Christians' when they act the way they do. What's even worse is that I don't think that my sisters even realize that how they are behaving sometimes is wrong and intolerant. I've tried to point it out, but they don't listen.
They won't because I am their little sister, still living at home and am currently not working. It doesn't matter if I am in college working my ass off or that I have a learning disability that makes it harder for me to absorb the course material. Which means that I have to spend more time than others on said material. According to them, my opinions don't matter. I am a 2nd class citizen, The Black Sheep.
Well, you know what? FUCK THEM! Yes, Fuck them and their biggotry. If they can't get their head out of their asses long enough to smell the roses then that's their problem. I am done trying to make them understand.
Well, I'm done rambling for now
My sisters came over yesterday to catch up on Outlander, which is totally awesome show btw :-) Anyways, I had planned to take the entire weekend to work on an assignment for my Intro to Computer Programming Class. Suffice to say, I suck at programming at the moment. Anyways, I was on my computer trying to get a handle on a certain portion of my assignment, and off and on, I'd ask my dad questions because he is helping me. My sisters of course got irritated because I was talking during the program, even though they were too, but of course, it's OKAY for them to talk. ( Sarcasam Noted)
Anyways, it was then decided by dad that he and I move to another room so not to disturb them, which I was okay with. But whoo boy did my sisters have a problem with that. Apparently, we have to drop everything when THEY decide that its family time. They didn't care that I had an assigment and that it was late at night. Dad didn't have an issue with it since we had already seen the episode they were watching, but no. They had to put their two cents in and make an issue out of it.
This included their " Born Again Christian " crap. I was irritated, not because of them, but because I was having such a hard time getting my program to run the way that I wanted it to. That and I'm still having a hard time grasping how to program in general. My sisters, especially my eldest, even had the gale to make fun of my distress. The smirks shared between them two set me off. Even though I was desperately trying to keep a cool head because I didn't want to stoop to their level. But alas, I guess I am not as emotionally evolved enough yet.
I replied rather caustically, " Heh, Christian my ass!" This of course upset them immensely, especially my middle sister. She was like " Oh, how dare you say that I am NOT a christan." I replied in kind, " What kind of Christian treats their own sister like how you just treated me?" Granted I shouldn't have said what I said, but my response did hold some validity. What kind of Christian treats their own blood like how they treated me? I was distressed and tired. Upset because I'm having such a hard time grasping this class.
I know apart of their issue is because of my recent uptaking of Buddhisim. Nevertheless, regardless of how they feel they should respect my choice in how I choose to find my spirtual nourishment. I may not agree with some of their ideas about Christianity, God and what not, but I at least have the DECENCY to keep my opinons to myself. Yes, one of my sisters did make an underhand quip about buddhisim. Just to wound me.
Regardless of how they are, this won't deter me. Not everyone behaves like them and there are plently of people who would understand my spirtual views. They are just ignorant and bull-headed. I will reaffirm what I have said on a few occasions. To me, Buddhisim is more of a philosophy instead of a religion.
I feel that there is just too much stigma on religion in general. It's so bad these days that most people loose sight of the message that ' God ' has taught us. Well, the message according to their chosen religion. We are all so caught up in the drama that we've lost sight of our personal spirituality. There are a chosen few who remain steadfast, but most of us are just too blinded by our own prejudices to see the truth. I am not going to sit here and say that I am not one of them, because I am. However, I don't want to be that way anymore, but damn, it's hard not to when you have two people that treat you as if your some joke. A problem that needs to be fixed!
Anyways, I am done rambling for now.
This week has been rather shitty, if I do say so myself. I took my first Intermediate Algerbra test today and probably bombed. I was just so hard! I mean, I studied my ass off, and yet I still had trouble. ( Ugh, so unfair) but hey, that's life :-)
Anyways, something else happened this week that has upset me. I either lost my promise ring or it was stolen. My boyfriend gave me his grandmothers engagement ring that she had during the great depression. It's a beautiful sapphire stone with a few diamonds and the band is gold. I will include picture to emphasize my point. Anyways, I looked online for rings matching my desc
My ring is worth $2,000! I wish I would've had the thing insured. That way I could've replaced it with an exact duplicate. However, it's not just how much it's worth and what not, it's what it represents. I have been with the same man for a long time and even though we may have just good friends with benefit relationship right now, there is something deeper still that keeps us together no matter what.
I want my ring back because it will always be like having a peice of him with me. He has been such a big part of my life. He is my first in everything. I gave myself to him, which was something that I didn't do at the drop of the hat. He's made me feel like a desireable woman. He doesn't judge me about my social quirks or my weight. He just sees me! I feel the same way about him in every respect. Even if we do ever spilt, he will still have a place in my heart that no one can fill.
Now that my ring is gone...I, well, I feel...gosh, I just don't know how to feel. Anyways, the reason why I said it may have been stolen is because my middle sister has claimed in the past that my ring was hers. I don't know why, I mean, it could be because she is jealous of the fact that I've actually had a relationship with a man and not merely dreamt of having one like she has. I know I sound like a total bitch, but this isn't the first time I have suspected her of stealing. She was notorious for that in the past when we were kids.
I'd sometimes have to take something of hers for randsom, just so I could get my stuff back. Drastic, I know, but it was the only thing that worked. I don't want to believe that she did it, but I can't help it. The thought is there and no matter how much I try to fight it, the possibilty exists.
Overall, I just want my ring back! But you already know that, lol. If it never turns up, well, I'll just have to live with it. However, I am going to try my damndest to get it back. Even if I have to sneak into my sisters place and go through their things. I. Will. Get. It. Back!
Life has been so hectic as of late. Autumn Semester is turning out to be a real pain in the a**!. My intro to programming class is tough. Visual Logic and Note pad ++ ( which are the two languages that I'm learning) are as simplistic as it can get in computer programming. I have faith in myself and know that I will overcome this obstacle and become proficent in these two computer languages. It's just getting to the finish line that sucks. But hey, nothing good ever comes easy.
My Intermediate Algerbra class is just as difficult, but not as difficult as Intro to Programming. It's the proff who makes it ten times more difficult than it needs to be. First, she makes some of then new concepts harder to understand, when they're really simple. Then, she refuses to give me an extention to take my tests. Which means that I won't get any extra days to take my tests, despite the fact that I'm a disability student. I'm currently looking into that aspect with the Disability dept. because I want to make sure that I am getting what I deserve as a disability student.
Anyways, I am still learning more and more about Buddhisim and how I can apply the teachings to my daily life. However, my parents are still fully intent on become full blown Catholics. What worries me even more is the fact that they want me to take Cataclisim classes with them at the end of the month. I accept their decision, but I'm still not sure whether I want to take that journey with them.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on religion in general. Personally, the whole concept of religion confuses me because there are so many different interpretations of 'God'. I've been trying to simplify the concept of 'religion' in order to gain a better perspective on how I wish to apply religion to my life. I am no Theologian, but the way I see it, most people believe in a higher power in one way or another. Religion is just a way of interpretating the many different shades of 'God'. Basically, what I am trying say is every religion has their own way of explaining 'God' with stories and what not. But when it all boils down to it, 'God' is an unshakeable force who put us and everything else into existance. I think this concious energy left it up to us to make the best of things.
Wow, I feel like a child trying to explain a difficult math problem, lol. For a long time I honestly didn't care about 'God', the bible and what not. Sure, I believed in that higher power and went to church, but my heart wasn't in it. When my sisters started going to the Vineyard I felt embittered by their choice. We have never been close and I felt that their religion was going to seperate us even further. However, one day I realized that my spirtual growth has been stunted because of my lack of caring.
I didn't want to care because I've always felt that life has delt me a shitty hand, but life isn't meant to be a bed of roses. Roses have thorns and it's up to us to pull them out when they get in to deep. ( Yeah, yeah shitty metaphor, lol) So, one day I went outside on a nice sunny day, sat by the pound and just meditaded. I'd never really meditated before, but it felt so natural to me that day. I started to realize that my lack of spirtual growth has been effecting my life in every aspect. It honestly scared me because I knew that if I didn't make an effort to become more at peace with myself, I'd be miserable for the rest of my life!
So, that night I was on EP when I saw a group called " I am a Christan Buddhist." Curious, I clicked on the group link and read the one story that was on there. It was short, but the person in question basically said some things ( Which I can't remember) that struck me. After that I Googled Buddhisim and from there on out, I realized that the teaching of Buddha and those after him, made so much sense to me.
I've always been curious about Buddhisim, but never gave it that much thought. So, after doing some minimal research I knew that I was on the right path. I once said that I percieve Buddhisim to be more of a philosophy than a religion. Well, I still adhere to that sentiment. I've spent so much time looking for the " right" religion to join when what I was really looking for was deeper than which denomination of church to join and what doctorines to believe in. I was unconciously looking to strengthen my spiritual growth and inner peace.
Granted, it won't be an easy road, but I am willing to go on the path and face life's challenges with the peace of mind that I have been searching for. It's strange, I've been so caught up with 'drama' in general. Mostly other people's drama and their opinons of me. If it wasn't my child hood best friend, it was TJ on EP and her immaturity. I admit that even long after we split, I still thought of all of those who have wronged me. I've been trying to understand and rationalize what happened and why they treated me the way they did.
But when it all boils down to it, they don't matter anymore. They were toxic influences in my life that were stunting both my spirtual, mental and emotional growth. My ex child hood best friend tried to add me on Facebook not too long ago. At first I was scared because I didn't know whether to add her or refuse her. Then, all of those insecurities started to flood in and all those memories of her cruelty affected me in a bad way. So, I then realized that this is a person that shouldn't be in my life.
I'm not saying that she's a bad person, but she's NOT the right person for me. I always had a bad habit for letting people's problems become my own and she sure had a way of making one feel bad because she did. Anyways, what I am trying to say, and am failing to be more eloquent, is that you should never let anyone feel less than you are. If you do then it will effect every aspect of you life like it has me.
Well, enough of my rambing,
I feel so conflicted as of late. As I discussed in one of my previous blogs, I’ve decided to become a Christian/Buddhist. Well, one doesn’t just become a Buddhist. In some ways, I think I’ve always been a Buddhist. I know it’s a complete contradiction to say that I am a Buddhist and a Christian, but why not?
From the knowledge that I’ve obtained so far, I see no problem with being Buddhist and a Christian. Yes, Buddhists supposedly don’t believe in God, but the Buddha didn’t necessarily say that there isn’t one. I read an article from 2012 about a man who had come from a strict Southern Baptist background and then he converted to Buddhism when he got older. He even went so far as becoming a Buddhist monk.
Anyways, in a moment of clarity he realized that there were some Christian values that he had grown up with that he still, even as a Buddhist, still believed in those Christian teachings. He sadly didn’t go into much detail, but he then came to the realization that he is in fact a Christian Buddhist. He said that Westerners who choose to convert to Buddhism still adhere to some of their Christian values.
The reason for this is because Christianity is at the very core of the Christian world and it would be hard not to still cling onto their roots. From what I have gained so far, Buddhism is about finding your own answers to life’s most difficult questions. I still believe in a higher power, and for the sake of simplicity, lets call this higher power ‘God’. However there is so much about the array of different religious doctrines that I find hard to believe.
Well, I think for me personally, it’s more of a Creationism vs. Evolution thing. This Creationism ‘fad’ makes in ten times harder for people who have a hard time with their faith. Creationists believe in the literal interpretation of the bible, when in actuality, the Bible in MY opinion should NOT be taken quite so literally. The Buddha said that one should believe everything written in a book, such as the Bible, one should seek out their own answers.
In all honesty, I believe the Bible was meant to inspire Christians. But heck, what do I really know? I am no Theologian, lol. Personally, I feel as if I am on the fringes of my faith. That and my parents are thinking of becoming Catholic, which makes things ten times harder for me. Then there are my sisters, who are “ Born Again “ Christians. I am so afraid of talking about my newfound faith with them because of their recent conversion to Evangelicalism. I just know they wouldn’t understand like my parents do. So, I guess their acceptance makes it a tad bit easier.
Heck, my mom is even willing to educate herself about Buddhism even though she wants to convert to Catholicism, which is a plus for me because at least she is willing to understand. But for her, religion and going to the right church and what not is not what’s key for her. She is more in tune with her spirituality than anyone in my family, which is why when life gets shitty, which it often does, she always seems to know what to say to help put things into perspective.
Anyways, I am done rambling for now.
Just want to wish everyone a happy Labor Day! Thought I'd post this video. It cracked me up :-)
Today was my first math class of the semester. I am optimistic about the class, but I've been wrong before. I just hope I'm not wrong this time around. Anyways, I am going back to the gym after a long hiatus due to the kidney stone, back strain and bad toe. FYI, I had an infected ingrown toenail that I had taken care of at the ER last week, which stopped me from going to the gym.
Anyways, I did something today that was for a good cause. I did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. I did it because it's for a good cause. I got a lot of good feed back, but one dick hole just had to comment about my weight. I will not mention said 'dickhole's' idenity out of respect. Just wish that person would've showed the same respect for me, considering I did the challenge to promote awareness for ALS.
People are just plain mean, but you know what, I will not lower myself to their level by being mad. This person is just ignorant and can't see beyond what they see. Everyone is so hung up on appearences and not what's on the inside. Sure, I am not happy with my weight and want to change that, but it's not because I care what people think. It's because I want to be healthier.
Overall, don't let anyone ever make you feel bad because they can't accept you for who you are as a person. If you do however find yourself in that kind of situation, remember that the person or persons are ignorant.
Well, Gotta Jet
In my previous blog I talked about Robin Williams and Depression. This is a PT 2 of that discussion.
Ever since RW's passing I 've heard and seen an out pouring of emotion from people. All sad because a great and funny man is gone from this world due to suicide. However, there are some a-holes that have basically dissed him, calling a coward for taking his own life. Look, depression is a mental disease. One can't just snap their fingers and be okay. It's a long and tough road to go down.
Before he passed I occasionally heard bad things about RW. People would say that he is washed up, his comedy is no longer funny and what not. Now that he's gone people are like, " Oh he was such a great man!" " A comedy genius!" Okay, so, where was all of that encouragement when he was still alive? Now because of his passing people are all of a sudden paying attention to people with mental illnesses, such as depression.
What, is caring about people with depression a new fad now? It's suddenly ' cool ' to care? This irks me because caring about a person (s) with a mental illness should NOT be some fad. It shouldn't have taken a great man like RW to pass away for people to suddenly take notice.
I've been suffering from acute depression for years because I've always felt that people don't care about me. Also, being bullied didn't help either, especially when some of my bullies were my 'supposed' friends. But I forgive them, but I haven't forgotten. However, all of those 'friends' now have me on their Facebook, but they barely talk to me. I know that it's because they feel guilty about how they treated me in the past.
I sometimes wonder if I were to suddenly kick the bucket, would they care? Would I get the same out pouring of emotion? Not that I'd do anything to harm myself for the sake of their approval, but still, it's something to ponder.
Anyways, I think I've made my point.
I'm sure you've all heard about Robin Williams by now and how he continually suffered from depression throughout his life. I am saddened by the news of his passing and even more sad when I heard that he took his own life. How could a man, who had brought countless joy to people's life be so sad? Well, this just goes to show that we never really know people.
Robin William's tragic and self inflicted demise has forced me to confront my own demons. I to, like billions of others have been suffering from depression in silence for a long time. I'm not coming out with this to draw attention to myself. I coming out because I now realize after hearing about his internal struggle, that I need help.
He turned to booze and drugs to help assauge his loneliness, which is something that I don't want to do. I don't want to get to a point in my life where I feel that suicide is the only option. I don't judge him for taking his own life, but as for me, I refuse to let that happen.
Since his passing hit the media I've been hearing so many people talk about helping others with depression. How we should be that shinning light for those poor souls who are continually fighting the daily battle that is depression. I can't help but be cynical about this.
All my life I've been a social outcast. Even today I still feel that I don't belong, that no matter what I do or say, it's never good enough. There are times in my life when I am depressed because I feel that people don't care about me. That I am just this invisible person that you can barely see at times. I know Facebook isn't exactly the best social outlet, but I would sometimes write something really profound on my FB site, and yet no one comment. No one cared enough to comment!
This is the common theme through out my life. No one cares! Sure I have friends both Facebook and Experience project that I reguarly converse with, which really helps, but sometimes it's not enough. My friends that I had when I was a teenager constantly bullied me, even though they 'claimed' that they cared about me. But I'm not going to get into that right now. For anyone who actually reads my blogs, you would know about my rocky past with friends.
When it really comes down to it, I feel that no one really cares about a person until something so bad happens that you are forced to sit-up and take notice. Sure, now that a person's dead, you can say how great they were and shit. So, where are those kind words of encouragement when the person actually needs it? Does one really have to die to get that kind of aknowledgement? Are we as a society so self involved that we can't take time out of our day to help another person out?
Anyways, I'm done ranting for now. RIP Robin Williams. Make God laugh.
Okay, so life has been rather hectic as of late. I've been practicing the flute a lot because I am thinking about joining a community band or orchestra. However, the flute that I am currently playing on needs an overhaul. Plus, it a really expensive instrument, so I have to be careful in general. I've been doing a lot better health wise, but the antibiotics I was on has irritated my colitis a bit, but not so much that I am sick in bed.
Anyways, I've been thinking about becoming a contemporary buddhist. I found out not to long ago that my boyfriend's been a closet buddhist for years, but he's still a christan. At first I was like, " How can one be both buddhist and christan?" I understand how confusing it is for some people to grasp, but I feel that I can merge my both my christan values and buddhism together to become a better and more enlightened person.
I know now more than ever that no one religion will never appeal to me. I feel that buddhism is more of a philosophy rather than a religon, but that's just me. I am still learning about buddhism, so my perception will change the more I learn. Overall, I know I am on the right path.
Okay, so I am sure every female out there has seen the new 50 Shades trailer. The only good thing about it was the new mix of " Crazy In Love " by Beyonce. Other than that, the whole trailer was so over hyped. I wrote a blog a while ago discussing how much I hate the trilogy. After seeing this trailer I hate it even more. How could any woman, in truth, want a man like Christian Grey? I mean sure, he has money, is smart and is incrediably good looking, but all of that is just on the surface. Underneath he is a sadist who gets off on dominating women. Sure, BDSM may be for some people, but this goes way beyond that.
He threatens her through out most of the book and is so controlling. How can anyone want that for themselves? Women through out the ages have always complained about wanting to be independent and equal with men, but this book just sets us back to submissive sex slaves! Okay, okay, I'm being a tad bit dramatic, but as a feminist you have to understand how damaging and demeaning this is for womens rights.
I understand the allure of giving oneself over to man, especially during sex. We women have to put up with a lot of shit every day. So, why not temporarily give ourselves over to a man and let him have control in the bedroom? It's hot, right?! That doesn't bother me, but at the end of the day I am in control of me.
The character Anna however lets every aspect of her life be controlled by Mr. Grey. Sure she is stubborn and what not, but she still bows down and lets him control her. I sometimes watch shows like Jerry Springer ( If that's even still on air ) and Steve Wilkos. I see scenarios where the woman is complaining about their man being too controlling and abusive, but then they're like, " Oh I love him ". It's foolish! Well, they're probably paid actors, but still, the scenario in itself is troubling.
Why should any woman have to bow down to a mans wishes and take it? We live in a modern age where women have rights almost equal to a man. Personally, I regardless of the BDSM aspects, why should any woman want to read this tripe? Hell, why did E.L James write it in the first place? This peice of shit trilogy should've stayed on ( FF.net)
Anyways, here's the trailer in case you haven't seen it yet. After watching it, please feel free to tell me what you think.
Well, life has been rather hectic for me these past few weeks. I passed a kidney stone, which was followed by a rather wicked U.T.I that had me admitted into the hospital for three days. Those days were pure hell! All I have to say is if you're not good with working with people, especially people, you shouldn't be in the medical proffession.
I also contracted two ear infections because my immune system was so freaking down due to the infections. Reason, because they wouldn't let me take my freaking vitamins and what not, which helps keep my immune system up. They thought it would intefere with the meds, but when I checked with my local pharmasist they said it was okay.
What makes me laugh is the fact that it was the hospital pharmasist that wouldn't let me take them. Claiming that they would intefere with the meds they were giving me. (Hmmm.... me thinks the hospitals pharamsist's been sampling the goods....lol) Anyways, I am doing a lot better after days of ear drops, antibiotics, pain killers and what not.
Went to my primary physican and now I am FINALLY going to see a physical therapist for my back and a dietican to help with my diet. Now that I have insurance I am able to get the medical care that I need. That, and the physical therapist will enable me to get a personal trainer that will go with me the local gym that I am currently not going to because of said illnesses.
Anyways, other than that not much else has been happening. Well, aside from the fact that we are broke. It's been a hard two weeks with little to no money. I hate it! I hate the fact that I can't work right now because I was sick. Now that school's starting back up there is no way in hell that I'll be able to hold down a job with my work load.
Ugh, why does life have to be so fucking frustrating???? I mean, I feel so limited in what I can do right now. I want to do more....be more! Then, to top it off, an old friend said that I should settle down with my boyfriend and have kids, just to be secure. Ugh, why should I have to rely on a man or anyone for that matter to secure my freedom??? Granted, I love my boyfriend and what not, but he and I both know we are not ready for that yet. Why do people have to stick their noses in and shit, ugh, it just pisses me off!
Anyways, I'm done venting for now
Is the link to my new group. " I hate the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy. " If anyone's interested.
Do you have a friend/enemy? I do. I'm apparently not good at keep promises because I have somehow found myself sort of being friends with an ex-friend who has hurt me a lot in the past. I've moved on from the pain that she inflicted, but I can NEVER forget how she made me feel. I don't want to. If I forget then I'll allow someone to hurt me in the same way again and I so don't feel like being that bitch's punching bag again.
Anyways, this particular person IM'd me yesterday, gloating about how she finally graduated from college. Normally I'd be happy for her or anyone because graduating from college is a major achivement. However, she had an ulterior motive. ( SURPRISE, SURPRISE!) This bitch knows very well that I'm still in college and how utterly wounded I was for having to drop my summer classes this year, and yet she had to fucking gloat.
She made sure to point out all of my faults and failings. Like me still living at home, not working, not having a drivers licesense and what not. Yeah, apparently she convienetly forgot that I have a learning disability and can't work while I'm in school. That and the fact that money is tight enough as it is and I can't afford to learn how to drive due to gas prices. Sure the solution is simple, but for me it's not.
Speaking of finding a job, I have given up on getting a summer one. I have applied to virtually every local place in town and haven't gotten one nibble. It's a little disheartening, but whatever. My life isn't always going to be like this and I know I sound like a totally ninny, but I'm just going through a slump right now. And where there's a slump, depression inevitably follows.
Overall, I hate it when people gloat like she does. What are you trying to prove anyways? I mean, it's not like there's some medal waiting for you after you've done strutting around like a ruddy peacock. You'll still be the same person, degree or no degree. Sure as hell wish you were a better one though. That way you'd be humbled by your achievement, not gloating like a snob.
Anyways, WTF do I know anyways. I will probably look back on this post months from now and laugh my pudgy ass off, lol.
Well, that's it for now folks
Previous PostsIt's a sad, sad day...., posted November 14th, 2014
My smarts are in the right area, posted November 9th, 2014
Incompetence, posted October 31st, 2014
Fickle Friendship, posted October 19th, 2014
My computer's an Alien ( Tee he he...), posted October 14th, 2014
, posted September 26th, 2014
Intolerance, posted September 25th, 2014
Religious Stigma, posted September 22nd, 2014
The Lost Jewel, posted September 20th, 2014
Spiritual Growth, posted September 13th, 2014
On the fringes of Faith, posted September 1st, 2014
The Ultimate Dog Tease, posted August 31st, 2014
Some people...., posted August 25th, 2014
Depression ( PT2 ) My thoughts on Robin William's Passing, posted August 13th, 2014, 2 comments
Robin Williams, Depression and the darker side of life., posted August 12th, 2014, 1 comment
A life changing decision, posted August 7th, 2014
The Atrocity that is Fifty Shades of Grey ( Trailer Included ), posted August 1st, 2014
Update on Life, posted July 30th, 2014
I hate The Fifty Shades of Grey Group, posted July 24th, 2014
"Friendenemy", posted July 7th, 2014
The flute blues, posted June 26th, 2014
So many doors...which one do I choose?, posted June 14th, 2014, 1 comment
Week 1 of Summer semester and the drama that ensues...., posted May 31st, 2014
A Needed Rant, posted May 21st, 2014
Important Notice, posted May 21st, 2014
Update on Life, posted May 15th, 2014
The Verdict is in!, posted May 12th, 2014
Finally over, posted May 8th, 2014
Only so much you can do......, posted May 3rd, 2014
We shouldn't have to deal with it PT2 of Grossed out, posted April 28th, 2014
Grossed out!, posted April 27th, 2014
Why God, Why?????, posted April 26th, 2014
Through the Cracks, posted April 25th, 2014
I think I am a victim of Plagiarism, posted April 22nd, 2014
And the drama continues...., posted April 15th, 2014
I heart photoshop, posted April 11th, 2014
Bitter disappointments...., posted March 29th, 2014
Swing and a miss..., posted March 23rd, 2014
Jitters, posted March 23rd, 2014
A Different Arena, posted March 15th, 2014
Life...so far..., posted March 8th, 2014
So, yeah, updating on life., posted February 26th, 2014
The Night of Red Hair, lol., posted February 15th, 2014
Bullied by a creationist., posted February 11th, 2014
Bill Nye VS. Ken Ham: Creationism VS. Evolution. What do you believe?, posted February 5th, 2014
Quick Update, posted February 4th, 2014
Ugh, sisters., posted February 3rd, 2014
Turning Point, posted February 2nd, 2014
Apology & Update on my Life, posted January 28th, 2014
Surface Flaws: A Rant., posted January 25th, 2014
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