So, finals are officially over for me. I believe I've passed two out of the three classes that I took this semester. Sadly, I was so sick that I couldn't even take the math final. So now I have to retake the class. Oh well, what's done is done and there's no use weeping over it. I've let so much get me down lately, that I feel like I'm loosing myself, which I can't let happen.
Before I decided to go back to college, I was lost. Depression was like my best friend in a morbid sort of way. Then, I woke up and realized that I could do better. So I made the decision to go back to college, thus leading me here. Anyways, because of my illnesses that I've had to endure for the past few months, I felt like I was becoming the old me again, which I despise.
So, I'm now determined, more than ever to remain optimistic, despite what may happen. Well, I'll at least try to. I can't promise that I'll always be a happy camper, lol. Anyways, now I can sit back and just enjoy life for a while. Let's hope this New Year is one of change.
We all have our New Years "to-do" lists, right? We promise ourselves that we'll take that trip, loose weight, fall in love, yada, yada, yada..... Well, for me, my biggest resolution is to loose weight. I know, so cliche, but I'm going to make more than an effort to shed the pounds. I admit, depression and life's oh-so sucky disappointments is what keeps me from fulfilling my goals, but not this time.
I feel as if I am at a turning point in my life. A point where I have to make a choice. Either I stay as I am and continue to be a miserable fatty, ( yes, I called myself a fatty) or fight like hell to change. I choose the latter, I choose change! I am not ashamed for being who I am, despite how hard some people try to make me feel bad. Granted, I am a work in progress, but I know I'm beautiful regardless of my size. What drives me is my health, which isn't great. I know that once I start to really work on shedding the pounds, then my existing health issues won't be so bad.
So, that is that. I am going to change my life. If I can get through all this college math like I have, then I can do this. I just have to push myself harder than I ever had before.
Anyways, other than that life is...meh. I am probably going to have to retake this math class that I'm currently in because I've been sick so much. So, at least I know that it isn't because I can't do it, because I can. My heath issues have been with my kidneys, nothing too serious mind you, but I enough to practically keep me in bed all the time. Infections after infections have ailed me because of my weak immune system. So, I am going to go back to see my Gastro. doctor to get myself straightened out and then see a Urologist to get my other situation straightened out.
As for friend drama, I'm happy to report that I have none! Yes, you heard me, none! Ever since I let her go, life has been good in that department. I admit, I was kind of depressed about it for a while, but now I know that one person in your life really does make a difference. Good thing I made the right choice. Anyways, other than that, I plan on enjoying my time off when finals are over. Which will be the week after Thanksgiving. Yippy!
Must dash for some ZzzzZZzzz....
Okay, I just have to get this off my chest. You’ve all probably heard about the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy? Heh, what female today hasn’t? lol. Well, in short, I hate it! Everything about these books demoralizes women and glorifies men and their sexual perverseness.
I remember my sisters gushing about these books and telling me that I have to read them. I was like, “ Okay, what do I have to loose?” So, I bought the first book on Itunes and read it through. The book was so poorly written that it’s completely obvious that it was indeed a Fan Fic, before it was put into print. The plot, in my opinion, was so poorly conceived and utterly unbelievable. All of the characters were so one-dimensional, maybe except for Christian himself. He was kind of interesting, but in my opinion, he’s one sick little puppy.
What really bothers me is the obvious glorification of sexual abuse of women. The obviously messed up relationship and perverted sexual encounters left a sour taste in my mouth. Even though Anna consented to such abuse, she was only doing it because of Christian’s ‘oh-so-mysterious’ dark past and sexual magnetism. Well, that’s my opinion at least.
Overall, I am kind of surprised that this piece of trash got past the editors. Seriously, I’ve read Harlequin Romance Novels that are better than this. The fact that they want to make a movie out of this is unbelievable to me. Well, not so much because it’s obvious that they just want to do it for money and shock value. Seriously though, the best thing to do with this is make porn out of it. That’s all it’s really good for anyways. I just hope the movie will be so bad that they’ll not make the others. I’ve heard of movies where they make the first of the trilogy or series and then not make the rest because the first one sucked.
Anyways, these are pretty much my thoughts on the matter.
So a lot has happened since I last posted a blog. I've been really sick these past couple of weeks, which has also been impeding me from attending my math class on a regular basis. Now I am behind with math and am fighting to catch up. I am praying that I at least get a C in this class, but I doubt I pass this math. If I do then it'll be a freaking miracle.
Anyways, aside from my health issues and school issues, I've no other real drama to complain about, lol. I am glad of it. I was getting sick and tired of having to deal with shitty ex-friends. I've been having some issues with my sisters, which is nothing new, but it's kind of hard to do what needs to be done when you're in my current living situation.
You see, it all boils down to this. Just this past month, there was a major row between my sisters and I during our mums b-day party. In short, I was feeling like shit because I was sick and was on heavy antibiotics that were causing me to feel sick in the first place. I only went to my sisters place because it was mums b-day out of respect. I wanted to be there for mum and not put that kind of strain on the day.
Of course my sisters complained about my short temper. Yes, I didn't get a lot of sleep and I was just feeling like total shite. So, logically I was rowdy because of it. It got to the point where I just wanted to go home because I was in some serious pain and I felt like I was going to vomit up my dinner, but of course, my sisters thought that it was all for show. Yes, sadly, they think I over exaggerate my ailments, which I don't, under any circumstances.
My afflictions that plague me daily are REAL! Why would I lie about being sick and put people out? It just doesn't make sense to me. When I'm sick, I'm sick. No if, ands or buts about it. So, long story short, we quarreled and on the ride home, I was basically bawling my freaking eyes out.
Later on, I then came to a conclusion. I realized that I had to exclude them from my life in order to show them that I'm not a fucking doormat, scapegoat, ext... for them to vent out all of their frustrations on. So, when my eldest sisters b-day came around, I excluded myself from the activities, except dinner. Even then, I basically shunned them out until they basically forced me to talk to them.
I know to some, I sound childish, but I wanted to make a statement. I wanted to show them what they did was wrong and that they aren't aloud to treat me this way. They may not agree with some of the things that I do, but it's MY life. I am doing the best I can with what's been handed to me and I'm not about to change for them. Why should I? I am clearly not the one with the problems, they are.
They harbor all these resentments and what not towards me that were spawned from childhood. So, how is that my problem? Seriously, I've enough of my own. I don't need to deal with their as well.
Anyways, other than that, Finals are coming up in three weeks, which means that I've a month off after. I am so excited, and yet afraid because it's crunch time! I only hope that I pass this math challenge that God's bestowed upon me.
Well, I don't know about all of you, but I am sick to death of hearing about the Govt. Shutdown. Granted, I am concerned and really want to give them an ass kicking, but all of this bickering like school children just isn't getting anything done. I'm not thee most political person, because I hate politics, but it's like someones replaced everyone in Washington with animals that are tearing themselves a new one!
I am lucky not to be one of those unfortunates who've temporarily lost their jobs because of this. I just worry about the future of our country, as does everyone else. People are pissed and now it's mayhem!!! Just today, I was down on campus before I left because I was sick. ( Heh, surprise, surprise!.....HA HA HA HA, NOT!) They were having a rally and some even suggested staging a revolution. You see, MAYHEM!!!
Who's idiot idea was it to okay this shutdown? Look what it's causing and what it's doing to the American people. I know this is all because of the Obamacare and the debt ceiling, but there are plenty of people in the U.S today who don't have insurance. I am one of them. When I heard of the possibility that I might get healthcare, I was ecstatic! For the first time in years, I will have insurance. I will be able to sleep easier knowing that I have it.
Anyways, enough of that, Nixie is well and we took her to the vet. She checked out okay, which relieved me because I was worried that she might of caught something from that other cat we took in for two days, but alas, nothing. Nixie is such a cutie and loves her new family. I am so grateful to have found her. She is such a gem. Okay, enough of my gushing.
Aside from the Govt. shutdown and the cat, I am doing alright. Daryl and I are going through a rough patch, which we may not recover from, but I am hoping that we will. It's just so tough for the both of us right now. He works a lot and I'm in school. We have been discussing moving in together, but that option's still on the table. I've met a few cool new people on here, which is great because now I feel that I can totally forget about the EX-EP friend that had caused me so much grief and misery.
Overall, lately, my life has been hectic. I've had to deal with so much lately that I now realize that I am wearing myself down. To anyone who reads this, please take the time out of every day, even if it's for 5 minutes, for yourself. Read a book, browse the internet, have sex and basically do anything that relaxes you. That 5 minutes really makes a difference.
Tootles for now
So, we got Nixie on Monday. She is such an beautiful, intelligent and a well behaved cat. I luv her so much. . Something however happened the day we went and got Nixie. My sisters called us and told us about this other older cat, who we called Sophie. They had been told that she was abandoned, but now we know otherwise.
Long story short, she is an outside/inside cat. We had her for two nights and she did nothing but whine all night long because she wanted to go outside. I obviously couldn't just let her wander off in an unfamiliar territory, so we took her back to my sisters and she just ran off, not even bothering to say goodbye. Okay, so cat's can't speak, but still, it was a little unsettling.
At least we have Nixie, who is just the sweetest thing. Lady loves her and they are the best of friends. I am so happy now that we have a cat again. It just didn't seem right not to have one. It was like the entire world was out of balance or something.
Anyways, other than that, I took my math test yesterday and I am confident that I did good. I just hope my teacher sees it that way. I worked hard and studied my ass off! Other than that, life is good. I have no more ex friend drama, which is relieving. I think I am okay now about my recent split with my ex friend. I admit, it took me some time to move past, but now I no longer feel that anger towards her as I did before, which is good. All I feel is...disappointment.
Oh well, what's done is done. There are other friend fishy's in the sea, and besides, I've better things to do with my time than to sit there and rehash what has already happened. Haha, I keep on forgetting one of my personal mottos. " I can't change what they do, I can only change what I do."
Yep, that's about the size of it.
Peace Out my Amigos
Well, I'm finally getting my kitty. I'm so excited, but nervous because this kitty's my sole responsibility. It's not like I haven't dealt with animals before, but after what happened to my other 3, I want to make sure that my cat is going to be treated well. The agency calls her " Cookie", but I am calling her Nixie. Cute name, right? Yeah, I thought so too .
Anyways, about my last blog, " If you don't like it, then don't read it," I put it to private because quite frankly, I am kind of ashamed for being down right callous. I admit, I've been harboring a lot of anger, pain, sadness and grief when it comes to this situation with my Ex-EP friend.
I heard on the grapevine, that this certain EX-EP friend was still reading my blogs, which in turn was upsetting her. At first, I admit, that I didn't care, but now I am beginning to think differently. I realize that I was bringing myself down to her level by letting my feelings get the better of me. I was also angry because I felt that she was basically stalking me, but my posts are public, so I can't really bitch.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I am sad that she is sad, but at the same time I hold no pity for her. She is choosing to read my blog and to subject herself to more ridicule, despite the fact that some of my words and actions were callous. I will however remain firm on some of my feelings.
In any case, whether it be me or someone else, if you don't like what this person is saying then you either have two choices, turn a blind eye and let them blow of their steam, or confront them. Stalking and making offhand comments on your EP site is just running away from the issue, but who am I to judge. At her age, I probably would of done the same thing if I was in her situation, but this doesn't mean that I am sympathizing with her.
I know you all are probably sick to death with this issue, as am I, but I didn't count on having all these turbulent feelings that seem to linger within me. I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone, but I want to. I've always had issues with controlling my anger. I am ADD and I can get up there pretty quickly. This however is NO excuse for my callousness towards this person or anyone in general.
I don't condone what she did and still think her to be a child, but I didn't have to bring myself down because I was angry with more of myself than her. Quite frankly, as I reflect, I don't know why I am surprised that things ended the way they did. This girl is a teenager with some personal mental issues and it is clear that she doesn't know how to deal with people.
I mistakenly put her in the same category as everyone else when I should've left her outside it. I just wanted to treat her like everyone else because I didn't want to shove her mental illnesses down her throat, but it turns out, I just made things worse towards the end. However, she pushed me away and tested me because she thought she could, which was wrong so this goes both ways.
Overall, what I am trying say is that there are two sides to every story. In situations such as these we are both at fault, but it's also up to us to choose how we deal with issues. So, take it from me, be careful who you befriend and keep a cool head when you are in a fight. It really does make a difference.
I've been reflecting a lot about many things this past week. My life in general is good. I'm in college, I have a great boyfriend and I am living comfortably at the mercy of my parents until I can afford to go it on my own. At my age, some would be ashamed for living with their parents, but not me.
I don't see it as a failure because I know why I am doing it. Some people may be able to work while their in college, but not me. I have a learning disability and I find myself devoting almost every waking hour to my studies, which doesn't leave me any real time for a job. I applaud those who are able to multitask their lives like that, but right now, I'm not in a place where I can do so.
I am also in a heavy math class and I have one more, plus a Physics/ Algebra class to do, which will be my toughest feat of all. I figure, once I get past those, then I can get a part time job. Math and Science require much more work than normal classes, and with my disability it's like I'm constantly fighting to keep my head above water.
Anyways, despite it all, I love the challenges that college has afforded me so far. I just wish I were as good in relationships as I am in school. Maintaining friendships is so not my forte, apparently. I don't want to come off as judgmental, but I always seem to devote myself to the wrong type of friends. Granted, I have a few on here and other places that are alright, but every friend that I have truly opened up to has screwed me over. That, and they have their own personal issues that impede them from having a normal relationship themselves.
I always try to be the mentor, savior and what not when I'm never really in that sort of position to do so. I feel that with I can help them with my own past experiences and sadly, I've always expected them to come through just like I did. I forget however, that we are all different. On the other hand, these same EX friends have used me ill. What I'm trying to say is, they've in some way taken advantage of my good nature and kindness when I don't even realize it. I am too blind with my own feelings to see when I am being screwed over. Then, when I least expect it, I get an epiphany and everything starts coming into focus.
I just wish I had listened to my instincts with this last EP EX-friend. In my heart, I knew that it wasn't a good idea, but I went ahead and befriended her anyways because she seemed like a cool person. I thought we had so much in common, and we did for a time, but then I moved on and grew up during our friendship and she....didn't. I am not judging, we all have our burdens to bear, but I am now realizing that I was only supposed to be there for a short time. I served my purpose by splitting with her and I now know that in doing so would be a wake-up call of for her.
Overall, all I wish at this point is for the both of us to have good lives. I sincerely hope that she doesn't let life to continually keep her down. That there is more to life than little world that we put ourselves in and that there's so much more that she has to offer.
We were both bullied and yes, I can honestly say that my experiences were traumatic but I have learned to forgive, but not forget. I have moved past it because I knew that I was letting them win when I continued to dwell on it. I had to FIGHT! I was not about to let the past rule my future. I saw what she was doing to herself and I couldn't in all good conscious continue to watch her do so. So, I let go and have been dealing with the loss of the friendship ever since. I try to be strong and pretend that it didn't hurt to make the decision, but it does.
I've had to do this before with a friend a number of years ago and it took me a long, and I mean long time to get over it. This time however, I am not going to stew in my own pain and become bitter and cynical like she is. Why be like that and be miserable all the time? It sucks!
I'd rather be happy and grit through the pain than not fight. Being complacent in my opinion is just being lazy. I am not judging her or anyone by saying this. It's just a matter of opinion. I'm a fucking fighter! I've been through way too much shit and have gone way to far to give in.
So, I free myself of any guilt in that matter and free myself of any responsibility too. I am sorry for being harsh in the beginning and yes, my words were hurtful, but they were spoken out of anger and grief. Now, whatever happens to her from now on is on her.
I have a life to live and there are so many wonderful opportunities and experiences just around the corner. I just hope she one day sees that there is more to life than her little box.
Okay, first off, this is for anyone who has seen Porky's, the movie. I was in Walmart last night when someone on the speaker was looking for " Mike Hunt ", which sounds like My c***, well, you catch my drift, right? I know it's dirty, but I laughed my freaking ass off nevertheless!
Seriously, I didn't think that anyone remembered that anymore. That movie is so freaking funny. That, and the " Tommy Tallywacker " scene. Anyways, I have totally resolved myself of the ex-ep- friend issue. I know I've said this in the last couple of days, but I had a lot of anger towards this person and even myself. Now, I am really done. There are better things in life than having to deal with people like that. Especially, if they send someone else to do their dirty work because they're too afraid to face me themselves, but that's old news now. Just like this friend.
I really wish this person well and wish that she had been more open with me enough for me to even understand her. It's a sad situation, but there it is. Anyways, other than that, life is good and God is great. I have a BMGT test that's probably going to kick my lily white ass, but whatever, this is college. I welcome the challenge. Bring it on!
" There's no better place for jacking it in San Diego.."
So here's what's going on with me lately. I am in my 4th week of school, which is turning out to be better than I expected. I was kind of nervous about the math considering that I nearly skated by with a C on the last class, but it's turning out to be okay. I have a good tutor and a great math teacher this semester. ( Thank God!) My Project Management, which is a Business class is kind of hard, but boring at the same time.
Funny enough, the material alone makes me fall asleep. I've done it a few times, lol. My Computer class is kind of irritating though. It's more of a software issue because I have the Microsoft Word Uni Edition ( 2010) When the book came with the Microsoft 180 ( Trial version), which I didn't get because I was told that my version was an equivalent to this one. Ugh, it's been kind of frustrating.
Daryl and I are doing great. Things are slow, but good. He and I had a romantic evening and we watched the new Star Trek Movie. He is a huge Star Trek fan btw. I swear I'm going to get him to dress up as Spock this Halloween . I just wish he was more of a social media guy, but alas, that's just him. The Spock thing would be great though.
Anyways, I am also having some minor, but seriously irritating health issues which have kept me from school this week. Thank God I'm able to do the assignments at home or else I'd be seriously screwed. Other than that I am doing okay.
I am thinking about volunteering at this cat cottage where I am hopefully adopting some lucky kitty this weekend. This place doesn't require a training course like most places around here do, but the problem is, it's kind of far away, which bites.
Other than that, I am just chugging along, trying to make it.
Well Adios Amigo's
I'm going to make this short and sweet because quite frankly, I am done with this issue. It has come to my attention that I've been told that I have been a tad bit brutal about a certain EX EP friend on my blogs and one of my stories. I will apologize for my brutality, but not for my feelings.
I will not recant my feelings. I will also like to point out that if she has anything to say about me, then she should message me instead of sending someone else. One of the reasons why I blogged about on here because it's simple, it's my blog. As long as I am not using names I am entitled to blog about what I want. I always say that if you don't like it, then don't read it. I welcome any form of criticism, but not an outright 'bitchfest.' Seriously, learn to fight your own battles and like I said, if you have anything else to say to me then you know what to do. I am done with this for good!
Okay, so now that the friend drama is over. I am so seriously stoked for this weekend, despite my minor " Lady Problem." We may be getting our cat this weekend! ( Dancing around in my room at the moment) LOL ;) Anyways, it's funny now that one person is gone from my EP, and now I am getting tons of friend requests. Nothing against her, but it seems that she was bad karma for me.
I really hope that she gets better and moves on. I see a potential writer in the making, if she believes in herself enough, but heck, that ain't my problem anymore. I am home free of her. The drama that I was dealing with took it's toll and now I can finally focus on me for a change. I can be a better friend to the people that are still my friends.
Overall, when one door closes, another one opens. Cliche, I know, but I see an infinity of options before me now. It's so strange how one person can change your life when you didn't even know. Then when you're no longer in contact with that person your perspective of life changes. It's....just better! I hate saying these things because it makes her look bad, but this is my blog and I am speaking the truth. No shame in that, right?
She will be in pain for a while, but she will eventually get to that point where she knows that she has to move on. I've been there so I know. It'll happen, but for now, she can stew in her own misery for all I care. Apparently, I wasn't one of the people that she really cared about enough to really fight for. Instead, she blocked me and that was that. It's funny how desperate situations brings out the brutal honesty in people.
Anyways enough about that now, I promised myself that I was done! Now I am working on getting all of my homework done, so,
Have a great weekend
I've always considered myself to be a good, honest and helpful person. Maybe even too helpful, which gets me hurt sometimes because I am not careful enough to see when someone is basically duping me. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't get too emotionally involved with my friends. That there was a line that couldn't be crossed, and now, I've done it again!
It's easier this time because the friendship is a online one, but still, I've constantly put myself out there in hopes that this friend would see that I am not like all the others. That she doesn't have to push me away out of fear and that I am someone to be trusted. But alas, it seems that my efforts have been for nothing because I still feel like I am being tested by her. Quite frankly, I am done having to prove my loyalty to her just because she's insecure.
Granted, she does have some personal health issues that affect her social skills, but still, haven't I done enough already? Now I am at a turning point with this. The one point that is very crucial. Should I stick it out or should I cut the cord? Personally, I don't need this aggravation, but I am not a cold and heartless bitch. I do care about her as a friend and that is why I've stuck around for as long as I have, but there's a limit!
It seems that no matter what I say to her, it just doesn't get through. It's like, "What the fuck am I here for?" I am not the only friend she has who listens and quite frankly, I don't think I am the right kind of friend for her anymore. Her and I are on two different wave lengths and she is practically 8 years younger than me. She doesn't want to be seen as a child, which I totally get. I have tried to treat her like an adult, but I am beginning to realize that she is still but a child trying to be an adult.
I am not used to dealing with people who have her types of issues, and I am not judging her either. I know how hard it is to deal with health issues, whether it be mental or physical, I've been there. I thought that maybe I could mentor her and show her that there is more to live than the little box that she lives in, but alas, I am only one person and I don't have the power to change her, only she does.
I see so much potential in her, but she hides away in her own little world. So absorbed in her pain that she can't see that there are people out there who care about her. That she doesn't have to stew in her own anger and that she is not alone.
Overall, there are some people who don't want to be helped. They claim they do, but in reality, they just want pity, even if they say that they don't. Mind you all, I am NOT putting words into anyones mouth, but actions speak so much louder than words sometimes. Well, in this case it's kind of hard to say that considering it's online, but still I can see her actions through her words. If that makes any sense.
I hope she reads this and knows that what I am saying isn't to spite, embarrass or humiliate her. I am doing it because I can't keep this to myself anymore.
Take what I've said as you will---
The ball is now in her court.
Okay, well life is good, for now. I am doing well in my studies and am managing to stay ahead with my homework. Today's my mum and dad's anniversary and we are planning on adopting a cat this next weekend.
I know some people would think it a little soon to adopt after the situation with Ebony, but she is finally at peace and is happy. I figure that we should adopt another cat because there are so many that need homes. Why not channel our love for our past pets onto new ones? It only makes sense, right? Never stop loving. That's my motto.
Luckily, I've no friend or ex- friend drama at the moment, but with my track record, that could quickly change. I know however that my sisters have found out why my mum decided to take a certain person off her Facebook. I can only hope that they understand that this certain person was becoming a menace on the social media site, so my mother decided to take her off. To briefly recant, this certain girl accused me of Facebook stalking, which I am not or have never by the way. She in turn was inadvertently accusing my mother of 'supposedly' letting me stalk this certain person through my mothers Facebook.
Life has been better for all of us since my mum decided to make that decision. I admit that my mind is less troubled and I no longer care what this girl, my ex- best friend thinks of me. I've resigned myself to the fact that we can never be friends again, and quite frankly, I am glad for it. Anyways, no need to rehash anymore about 'that' certain subject. It is done, and will stay done.
Anyways, other than that I am still working hard to loose weight. It's been a hard adjustment, but the outcome will be so worth it. I don't want to be overweight anymore and not being able to shop for clothes in regular stores. Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing, but I am not longer going to hide certain parts of me anymore. I am overweight, but that is not set in stone. Yes, like most things in life, I can change my fate with sheer will and determination.
People can think what they will of me, but I try hard to not let the opinions of others get to me. Overall, the only real opinion that matters is your own. Well, that is depending on certain circumstances, but overall, you have to live with yourself so you might as well be happy with who you are. If you're not, then change. Yeah, it may not be easy, but we are all our own worst enemy.
Okay, can some explain to me just wtf this is? I seriously don't get this at all. Plus, it's fucking annoying!
For a while know I've been wanting to tell my parents how I feel about my place within the family. I've always felt that I am set apart from everyone else. That I don't deserve the same amount of respect as everyone else within my family. I admit that these feelings have made me harbor a long standing anger towards not only certain members of my family, but with life itself as well. Like some of my past friends, some of my family members treat me as if I don't have feelings at all. They degrade me whenever they see fit.
Today however, I got into an argument with my parents and then, it just came out. It wasn't intentional, but some words, for which I now can't even remember, were spoken against me, making me feel like I was just a fucking push over. Then, I just started to spill my feelings and told them both how I felt. They of course retaliated, but I remained firm and basically told them that I am an adult and that I am entitled to the same respect as everyone else within my family. Yes, age is a factor to a certain degree, and the fact that they are my parents denotes my respect of them, but I too deserve more respect.
My sisters, especially the eldest treats with little to no respect. Yes, there's some bad blood between us, but I think it's time to mend fences. I did what I did because at the time, I felt it was the right thing to do regardless of what may happen to our relation. My Aunt, who is a known trouble maker, was trying to poison my sisters against my parents. At the time, I was the only person who could see and do something about it. I didn't have a good enough relationship with either of my sisters to confide in them, so I took the plunge and did what I had to do to stop my Aunts dirty dealings.
Yes, I threw myself onto the frying pan knowing that I'd get burned, but I feared what would've happened if I didn't do what I did at the time. I will not apologize for doing what I did, but I will apologize for hurting my sisters. I know they will never understand my motives, despite the fact that I had explained it to them, but I understand their anger towards me. Now that it's been more than 3 years since the incident, but I believe it's time to turn over a new leaf.
The tension between us is causing problems. I've realized that it's not me with the problems, it's them. I can't change how they behave, only they can. I don't ask for much, but respect. That's it. I want to be recognized as smart, free thinking adult with feelings and opinions. Is that so much to ask for? Really, would anyone really begrudge me this small thing?
Anyways, the response I got from my parents was hard to swallow. I was basically told that I have to grit my teeth and bare it. My mother is supportive of me to an extent, but my father is more inclined towards them. I hate to say it, but he is. It shouldn't be this way. There should be sides, were a fucking family! But of course, I've no control over other people but myself. I just hate to see what this is doing to the family.
I wish my dad would just wake up and smell the fucking coffee! He never wants to face the confrontation, and instead runs away because of it. My sisters know this and take advantage of his feeble nature. His age is a factor, but it's been like this all of my life. He even does this with my mother! It's like things have been stale mate all of my life. My dad only takes sides with my sisters because they suck up to him. In fact, they suck up a lot and it makes me sick. When uncle John visited from England, they were like little princesses. Doting on him and made it their mission to make me look bad. It made me sick and caused a lot of tension between my sisters and I. I feel bad because John thought it was his fault, which it wasn't. It was because my sisters can't get over their anger, resentment and jealousy of me and then refuses to acknowledge it as well. So, what happens then? I get the blame. They find something bad about me and then use it to drive their point home. To camouflage their shortcomings.
So, now I am at the point where I am DONE! I am done being in this position and that's exactly what I told them today. I am done being A FUCKING PUNCHING BAG AND A SCAPE GOAT! I was told that what I wanted basically didn't make a difference, that they had to change, but that doesn't stop it from sucking any less. Outside of the family, Daryl is the only one who gets it. Who understands and loves me for me and treats me with the respect that I deserve.
I am not saying these things because I want pity, but all of my life I have been people's punching bag and scape goat. I've been such an easy target because for a time, I let myself be. I didn't know any different, and now that I do, it's like looking at a movie slide of all the incidents when I let people treat me this way. It sucks.
Overall, all I can do now is be strong and not let it get to me. I have to learn to tune those people out and just be me, regardless.
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Neither is anyone else on this planet. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others, and yes, we will all be judged accordingly by our peers whether we like it or not. I am learning to accept that even though I am trying my best, there will always be people who will judge me. That doesn't mean that one should give up because life may get hard and people may talk about you behind your back.
I have been the victim of backstabbing bitches on many of occasion, especially recently with a certain ' ex-best friend' who, even though she may not know it, is just as bad as I am. I admit that I let it get me down for a long time, but no more. People can say what they want about me, laugh at me and call me names, but I don't care anymore. Just recently, I have realized that people like that are just as insecure, if not even more than I am. We are all transparent in one way or another, and trying to pretend to be the opposite is fruitless.
Why be ashamed anyways? In fact, why push all of your shit onto another person? Is making fun of a person going to make your life any better? No. Are making wild accusations when you virtually have NO proof going to make you look any better? No. You'd look like a jackass. These are merely examples of how cruel people can be when they're overly insecure. I am not saying that I'm perfect, because I am so not, but at least I have the balls to admit it.
Acceptance is all about accepting oneself first. How can one accept other people if they haven't even been taught to accept themselves? It's a arduous monotonous cycle that never stops. That is why there's so much damn conflict in this world. We just can't accept ourselves and the people around us. We live in a society that has shitty social skills. We let technology take over our lives and post way too much of ourselves on social media sites. Seriously though, if a certain person is so damn worried about what's on her Facebook then maybe she shouldn't post so much on there in the first place. It's not my fault that my mother tells me shit about you that quite frankly, I wish I'd never known in the first place. Ahem, sorry about that ;)
Overall, I am who I am, and if you don't like it, then tough shit as far as I'm concerned. I refuse to be something that I am not and refuse to apologize for certain actions that I, along with my mother have recently taken either. Anyways, I am getting tired and need to get some sleep. Homework awaits...
Ta Ta for now--
Previous PostsChristmas break, yahoo....right?, posted December 6th, 2013
Ready for some real changes, posted November 23rd, 2013
Fifty Shades of Suck!, posted November 15th, 2013, 1 comment
Almost Done...., posted November 14th, 2013
Loki, Owen Wilson Style, posted October 21st, 2013
I love my Egyptian Mau, posted October 13th, 2013
Updating, posted October 4th, 2013, 1 comment
Nixie, our new addition :), posted September 26th, 2013
Updating..., posted September 23rd, 2013
Reflections, posted September 19th, 2013
Funny Happenings at Walmart, posted September 13th, 2013
Just had to post this :), posted September 13th, 2013
My life....so far, posted September 13th, 2013
A simple suggestion, posted September 13th, 2013
Happiness in spades ;), posted September 12th, 2013
You can't help them all, posted September 8th, 2013
Just okay., posted September 7th, 2013
WTF is this?, posted September 3rd, 2013
Doesn't make a difference, posted September 2nd, 2013
We are who we are, posted August 30th, 2013
As is., posted August 27th, 2013
Dust yourself off and start anew., posted August 26th, 2013, 1 comment
Just one more thing, posted August 25th, 2013
Accused, posted August 25th, 2013
Same rules apply to all....right?, posted August 25th, 2013, 2 comments
Oh woe is me....oh shut the hell up!, posted August 24th, 2013
First Kiss, posted August 23rd, 2013
False Pretenses, posted August 21st, 2013
Injustice, posted August 9th, 2013
What I want to see, like now, but alas, all good things come to those who wait, right?, posted August 9th, 2013
Holy Crap!, posted August 8th, 2013
Rest in peace, posted August 8th, 2013
R.I.P Sheba, posted August 7th, 2013
My Petition, posted August 6th, 2013, 1 comment
CBS vs. Time Warner, posted August 4th, 2013
Plastic Surgery, posted July 28th, 2013
Letting Go, posted July 23rd, 2013
Fat, posted July 16th, 2013
TMI on Facebook, posted July 13th, 2013
R.I.P Leon, posted July 8th, 2013
Even though I've been left out in the cold, doesn't mean I gotta stay there....., posted June 27th, 2013
Quick Update, posted June 25th, 2013
Kitty Woes, posted June 22nd, 2013
Life in General, posted June 19th, 2013
Radioactive - Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix (Imagine Dragons Cover), posted June 14th, 2013
Fear, posted June 7th, 2013
Sisterly Woes Pt 2, The incident, posted June 6th, 2013
Sisterly Woes, posted June 1st, 2013
Small mindedness, posted May 30th, 2013
Mermaid: The body found & Mermaids: Evidence, posted May 28th, 2013
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